They call me soldier...

Pssssst...

2007-11-04T12:14:00.000-05:00

... hey you !!!

Come this way :

http://thepassionwithin.blogspot.com/

Yes you freakin' slow people, it IS a new blog !!!
lol

Rated X : Not safe for work

2007-10-29T02:19:00.000-04:00

.... or anywhere but a private room for that matter.

Is this guy really doing this in a random street of New York City during the day ????

CLICK HERE : X-TUBE VIDEO 1 = STREET

And in a train station ????

CLICK HERE : X-TUBE VIDEO 2 = TRAIN STATION

What the HELL is the world coming to ?

Most of my Nyc friends are actually not shocked by this, half of them didnt even have a reaction when we received this in an email earlier this evening....

How could people get used to be surrounded by this ???

i mean i love NY but DAMN !!!!!!!

not much to say

2007-10-20T17:21:00.000-04:00

i randomly posted this video... a french song... a few days ago

*

and my buddy Fuzzy asked me for the translation...

I'm sorry if it's not the most poetic english, but it's the best translation a french man could attempt to execute on a saturday afternoon

here it is :

There's the man i love
and the one i don't understand
if both are the same
which one will remain ?
I don't know... I'm confused...
which one will you be when u get back ?

chorus :
Love can hurt, so can the consequences of certain actions
You're gone...
Your family cries and the party's over
Not only did i suffer from your mistakes
but now the pain of your absence will remain for life...
how did you end up this way ?

There's the man you love
and the one who doesn't love himself
who falls asleep on his problems
too proud to let them out
i don't know... I'm confused
with those faces, those two sides of you in my head
i don't know... I'm confused
will recognize you when if you get back ?

I can totally relate... i'm not the only one...
Everytime i sing it, i do it from the heart.

Nostalgie...

2007-10-04T05:00:00.000-04:00

... because it's the biggest side of me.
... A look inside Soldier's afro-european mind...

my friend Alicia (who i hadnt seen in a while and who spent some time with me, visiting from France) and I were talking and listening again and again... to our friend Tamara's song (she's a talented singer and dancer who's becoming huge in france and the rest of Europe right now, her stage name is Shy'm yay!)... and she told me the reason why she could not get that song out of her head is that it made her realize how it seemed like i had been gone forever and would never come back the songle is entitled "t'es parti " (which means " you're gone ")... So this is the soundtrack to the post... it doesn't matter if you don't understand what she's saying, the song is just powerful...

CLICK PLAY
****

****

On heavy rotation on my mind right now :

where it all started, where baby Soldier and his dog Rex learned how to play with food and make a mess with their breakfast... fast forward to many years later, first glass of whisky, first cigarette, first boyfriend, first tattoo, a kiss to grandpa before he goes to sleep then off to a club sneaking in with a fake ID... Paris (France)

where the value of life was discovered... honesty, humility, love, passion, pain, respect, sacrifice, hope, god, friendship, karma,... fried plantains and jerk chicken... lobster, ginger and yams... sunsets on the beach... first girlfriend AND first boy-on-boy action... freedom...
Abidjan (Ivory Coast, in West Africa)

Where maturity started to settle in, where things changed, where responsibilities slapped Soldier in the face, where mom and dad became 2 very separate entities... first time driving with no license or permission to use the car AND first speeding ticket... (maturity huh ? lol) ... pool parties, boat trips, soccer games, and introduction to the concept of WILDIN' OUT... high school diploma with honors, social work, dreams, inspiration... and trip to jail to save a friend LOL
Nice (south France)

The peace. The holidays. The meditation, the relaxation, the paradise, the laughter, the simple life. The scuba diving, swimming with dolphins, fishing, touching sharks, climbing trees, surviving without food on secluded island as a part of an Army program... malaria because of ridiculously high exposure to mosquitos in forbidden (i should have know itwas for a reason! lol) lagoons.. the surfing.. selling my mother's bags on the flea market... LOL
Praslin, Seychelles Islands (Indian Ocean... Eastern Africa)

The serenity. The authority... truth, wisdom, warmth, love... and amazing " Osso Buco "... my grandmother. The loud people, late dinners, talking with hands, short-tempered, sexiness, romance... tomatoes in every recipe.. heated conversations... Martini.. red wine... church on sunday morning, every week trying a different startegy to avoid it. always failing. lol
Milan, Italy

i'm attached to my European background... i feel privileged to have lived in those beautiful cities but...

... the question mark... the crime, violence, moments of joy... twice as much pain... the progress... the regression... the constant fear of something terrible happening. The reason for my desire to become a soldier. The injustice, the pain in their eyes.... abuse, rape, foolishness, theft... lost hopes.. tears... rain... sun.. fog... rainbow... blood... food... famine... the reason why i keep on praying god to give me what it takes to make a change... the beginning... the end... the future, a future ? what future ? who knows... every sunset, every meal could be the last... every second is a gift from God when one person has the power destroy the lives of thousands in less than a minute. My deepest roots, my pride, my anxiety, my inspiration, my future... myself... forever...

... Africa.

Couldn't resist, this kid is too cute

Bonus : Surprise, surprise... Yes ! Marylin there are penguins on Boulders beach in South Africa

So to my friends in Europe... don't expect me for dinner lol... i might be there once in a while and for the holidays but i'll never be able to live there again... that part of my life is over... the sacrifice i'm making right now... living by myself in a country where i'm i'm freezing my ass off 10 months a year... is getting me prepared so i can come back and bring something better to the place that gave me so much and could benefit the most from my experience... to the black continent...

I just hope it's worth it...

To my bestfriend...

2007-09-12T10:25:00.000-04:00

... Enzo ...

Since you finally managed to find this blog and i know you read it, just wanted to welcome you here !
See, " bestfriend" to me is not a title i just give to a person of my choice, it's a position you gotta earn... i look at all my friends, and when i compare them all, i see that person A, D, W are the best... they are the best friends that i have ---» they are my bestfriends.... i dont have that high school mentality of just picking them and then always be stuck with them, even if the connection we had changed...

My privacy is MY FUCKING PRIVACY Enzo, it's my MOTHERFUCKING PRIVACY !!
I was already slowly coming out to you, why did you have to go through my things to get your confirmation ? No, the fact that we're in the same situation doesn't mean we can get together, are you out of your mind ?
What it means though is that you'd better stay discreet for your own good, and keep your nose out of my business...
People that invade my privacy are not eligible for the bestfriend status, so :

Merci pour ces moments de joie, tous les fous rires, tout ce que tu m'as apporté, mais là tu as dépassé les limites, je prends mes distances...

Frustration...

2007-09-04T05:26:00.000-04:00

Not being able to sleep on a 12 hour Paris - Tokyo flight or even worse falling asleep then waking up thinking you slept at least 8 hours and realizing you either slept 45 minutes, or you actually slept for 4 to 5 hours but the plane hasn't taken off yet because of the bad weather or some other crazy ish meaning the 12-hour nightmare hasn't even started yet...

Being punished for (or paying the consequences of) something you didn't do and for some wild reasons (like covering somebody up), not being able to set things straight...

Being stuck in traffic going to the airport knowing that you already missed your flight, or being stuck at some airport on xmas...

Getting an invitation to somebody's church, waking up early on a sunday am and getting there just to find out you hate it but you can't show it because it would hurt your friend's feelings... guess what ? you can be sure the 2 hours service will be at least 3h30 long that specific day !

Going on a 3-day trip and getting your suitcase on your last day because the airline had failed to transfer it during a connection...

Having somebody around you who's everything you WANT but not everything you NEED...

Cooking that one dish you've been dreaming of for weeks, taking the time (more than 2 hours sometimes) to prepare that amazing meal, being almost there and then in the last 5 minutes : letting it burn because of a stupid phone call

Thinking a whole lot of stuff but not being able to express your feelings when the time comes...

Being in a long-distance relationship and spending the last hours of the night beside your partner who's tired and HAS to sleep because he's taking an early morning flight and has to get to work as soon as he gets there... you just can't sleep... it hurts so bad...

Forgetting simple things you never worried about, once you get to the exam...

Wanting to say " i love you " and getting in a never-ending debate with yourself about the timing, not knowing how the other feels...

Being denied something you qualify for...

Fighting over something with somebody who's about to make a stupid decision (like turning left on some crazy one way road in the bushes in a remote area of Wisconsin with no possibility of making a U-turn, instead of going straight lol ) when you know you are 100% right AND you are also gonna have to deal with the consequences of whatever decision they make...

Being stopped at the last minute from doing something you had planned for weeks or months, for reasons that make very little sense or things you have no control over...

Calling and getting no answer right when you have that ONE special thing to say to somebody, knowing that a few seconds later it will be too late, things will just not be the same...

Needing sex NOW and realizing you're not gonna get any for a LONG time (that's me, a few years ago on a 2 month-trip to China)

For control freaks like me, not being to figure everything out

Simply... talking to somebody who's not listening...

Too many sources of frustration in this world for me...
God... give me the wisdom, the patience, the intelligence, the maturity i need to avoid (or at least deal with) frustration because it's dangerous for my stability...
And i know i'm not the only one in this case...

Split personnalities... i did it again

2007-08-30T03:10:00.000-04:00

Thanks you guys for the comments and numerous emails about my last post, it was a necessary post lol
good to know, the message was appreciated... for those who've been lazy in the past 48 hours, scroll down lol

Tuesday night, it happened again, but this time it was just too much
i'm talking about the item # 5 of my last post : i am too many people at the same time !!!

Tuesday night, i was *chilling* (sorry shawn for the use of that word... i know u love it... lol) at a b-day dinner/party in Atlanta (you can count on me for 12 hours express trips from dc to atlanta), and as time went by and i started interacting with people, my bestfriend who was there too was shocked by the different versions of me that came out in such a short time !
He made me realize i was easily going from ice cold with person A, to very warm with person C, only sayin yes/no to person F, laughing hard with person V to the point some people felt like i was doing it on purpose or that i had something against them, others were just confused...

example : person H walks up to me starts talking to me and that person doesnt inspire me too much, i use my minimal english, and dont talk much... a few seconds later person L starts talking to me, and as person H walks away from us, he hears us cracking jokes in english !
i didnt do it on purpose, it's just that H hasn't proven to me that i can make the effort of speaking constantly in a foreign language to him, i have nothing against him, he"s not a bad person...

little things like that...

Now when i throw in the mix that boy who only discovered that i can be a nice person after i've known him for 10 years, and who is on his way to becoming a friend now, i"m asking myself a few questions...

i'm not a person with many faces, it's just that my job being mostly about human relations i learned " fast adaptation " in order to get what i want from the client, and i guess it slowly crept into my life...

What i realized from my bestfriend's very long speech is that i should :
* give people time and a chance to really be themselves around me before i classify them
* say what's on my mind and just be my damn self, the same person, the whole time so people know exactly what to expect from me
* keep the work strategies at work lol

Hoping it will make my interactions with other human beings better i'll try that !

before september starts....

2007-08-28T01:06:00.000-04:00

... let me update this blog quickly so i can say i posted 2 entries in august lol

*** i still have very little time for this, but i'm trying to make it work because i kinda like it ***
** I'm not ready for a full post yet so instead of just writing one in mid-october, i'm giving you this right now **

1. I love you guys, all of you guys... no, really i do, you guys have that lil' something i like :-)

I'd also like to complete the thought i started in my last entry : " i'm really giving minimal consideration to my first impressions or to anything i hear about anybody, making efforts and coming at everybody with a sincerely good attitude. So far all of you have been amazing! dare to disapoint me and i'll freaking throw you off a couch or something... said !

2. i'm crazy... i mean... i am... really... 3 speeding tickets in 5 days in south beach/miami
the last day the cop actually told me i was crazy lol, he wished me a safe flight out of miami and said he was not gonna give me that 4th ticket
because he was exhausted lol :D

3. Speaking of love (or the temporary absence of it), my single status is absolutely amazing...
am i glowing in a special way or what ? random fine dudes on a cruise/then the beach walking up to me and starting conversations about the weather

4. laughter IS really GOOD, REALLY ! Laughing for 5 straight days relaxed my pores and my facial muscles, people, make me laugh !

5. No matter how hard i try i can't be myself with somebody until i'm really sure the person can handle me, i try to be like " fuck this, i'm
myself 100% 24/7 " but i don't like complications or unnecessary things/situations/debates so... for now things will remain like this, i'm staying an oyster lol
i'm saying this because someone i've known since 1997 told me last week that he had never imagined how cool i can be !

6. This is where the little talk stops...

This is an open message to any-and-everyone

" We only have ONE life to live, ONE !! that life is not about little things like walking around in your neighbourhood,or some he-said/she-said/but he-said...
i'd like to inform you that whether you believe in god or not, someone somewhere has made it possible for us to become better people if we want to...
This one and only life is about experiencing, thinking, sharing, growing, maturing, improving,...
I see A LOT of people missing out on A LOT of things, because they're rolling around in the 2 square inches of their comfort zones, mmm... not good
holding on to things that really don't matter, mmm... not good
making things more dramatic than they really are, mmm... not good
procrastinating, mmm... not good
You NEVER know what the next person can bring you in this life, so being an ass pretty randomly, mmm... not good

There is A LOT to discover out there : bigger, better, more intense things

There are A LOT of tragic things out there : war, poverty, diseases

A LOT of help is needed out there, but you have to help yourselves first...

POTENTIAL is a gold mine that we all have inside of us... what we lack is usually the tools to dig that damn gold
we HAVE to acknowledge the fact that we don't have these tools and look for them !

So on 08.28.07, Soldier,a tired black man is officially asking you to PUSH yourselves UP, give a kick to boost the energy of those around you... because you NEED them,
let them help you on the way up, show support, be there for your people, ask for help when you need it, be positive, forget yourselves sometimes because it's not always about you, be strong soldiers on the quest for something better, and make sure you're ready for it because it will ALWAYS come unannounced...

Together let's build strong and successful communities, let's just LIVE !!!!!!!

i don't know where it came from, but that was my message for today.
i'm impressed by my english skills these days.
thank you. goodnight.

So much to blog about

2007-08-13T04:39:00.000-04:00

That's the main reason why i can't update my blog, i have too much to blog about !

Last time u guys heard from me i was dying in my bedroom with a broken laptop, a broken relationship and no job.
Things have changed since... that's typically soldier-ish !

* Laptop : My ex broke my laptop right ? well his father (who's also his boss) wrote me a 3000 $ check, and promised me he'd make his son work like a beast to payback every single penny of the money... (insert huge smile here)

* Work : i didn't lose the job, i ended up gettin a better position on the project and travelling to Africa, to my own country : the Ivory Coast for 2 weeks ! Those 2 weeks were absolutely insane though... gettin all the authorizations, permits, deals, and contracts to build a hotel in 2 weeks is quite crazy... i didnt sleep much, i had to be on gmt time, then work with people who were on gmt +2, others in nyc : gmt-4, then others in China, which is gmt +8, others from vegas, which is gmt-7... how can a human being be awake for all those time zones ? the answer is simple : no sleeping !

* Life : i love my family. i'm single. might be looking. am i ? maybe. but not too much. my mom makes the best pasta. white sand beaches. my nephew is trilingual : french, english, italian. too much alcohol. social obligations = horrible, i'm thru with them for the next 3 weeks. lobster, delicious. viva mercedes benz and leather interiors. renting an island for a weekend and not steppin in the water once, what a nonsense ! viva martini. mmm there were sharks in that water. i'm moving to nyc sooner than you think :) i keep on meeting some of the most unique and extraordinary people... i'm grateful... take notes : if i meet some of u, make sure u put ur weirdness aside and show me the best u have to offer, soldier is not dealing with people's insecurities, craziness, lack of maturity, selfishness or anythin else that doesn't make sense unless u start meaning something to him, why ? because i don't have to :)
i just realized that at some point i must have realized i was wasting my time and changing to make people happy, and i stopped it without making a conscious decision. it just happened.
Hanging out with my nephews and lil' cousins must have helped !
if u're not 5 years old, wipe ur own asses weirdos !

other than that i love y'all :)

i'll write a more " organized " entry soon :)

A very necessary update

2007-07-13T06:31:00.000-04:00

First, i wanna thank the friends and fellow bloggers who contacted me and tried their best to check if i was ok and make me laugh...

So i was in nyc last week, mostly on vacation (worked a lil' here and there and a lot during the last weekend), had a good time thx once again to friends and fellow bloggers.. luv u guys
didnt get to see all the people i wanted to but not many people are available late nights and my schedule was a mess, maybe next time...

I was supposed to take a flight sunday night from nyc to montreal but my friend/coworker was sick so i flew to toronto instead, made sure the friend got home safely and then took the first flight the next morning to Montreal.
As i got here, my on-and-off ex/not-ex current-but-not-really boyfriend was there to pick me up. I was EXHAUSTED, LOST, SLEEPY, DYING, i was a zombie !
so of course i was going slow... and he was mad because i didnt tell him about the change of plans until he got to the airport the night be4, so this was his second trip to the airport in less than 12 hours, he had to sleep veery late and wake up very early because of me.
I was too tired to argue, explain, talk, anything...

I took some documents out of my laptop bag and let it open for a few seconds, just so i could find a number that was on a piece of paper somewhere...
He thought i was going fast enough so he grabbed the bag by a handle and pulled it to make me move faster. The bag opened up completely...
Thats when it happened :
my January 07 brand new Toshiba laptop hit the ground HARD !

He pulled the bag... my laptop fell... my laptop is now completely wasted
i was supposed to go to Paris for a month to work on a local project
100% of my information, contacts, work was on that laptop.
AS of today i have NOTHING except the poor 10% i backed up be4 going to nyc.

So i have no laptop, which is a 2500 $ waste
i have none of my work, which makes it impossible for me to go to Paris, at least not now, there IS no way i will get there without being prepared.
So i have 500 $ in ticket changes fees to pay and i'm losing at least a full week's paycheck
My friends are all in Europe, working... there is not even one person i talk to on a regular basis that's here
I decided not to have any kind of interaction with the human being that made all of this happen for an undetermined period of time for his security and my sanity, so basically i'm single.

Saying i'm by myself and i'm going through hell is really an understatement...
i don't know what i'm gonna do or if i'm gonna do anything

i havent slept since wednesday morning and we're friday the 13th.... great !
i'm mentally and physically dead and i can feel it going downhill...

Untitled

2007-07-09T08:31:00.000-04:00

My laptop just fell and broke in pieces...

If you have my number call me... really... i'm not okay

sexy is just SEXY, or is it ?

2007-06-10T00:05:00.000-04:00

First step : Press Play !

Hey sexy, what u lookin at ?

One of the top reasons y i love Europe : almost half of the fashion ads including men are VERY homo-erotic.

Somebody told me a few years ago : " i'd never date a white man, i'd feel used. As the top, i'd feel like he was using me as a sexual object, and i'd never bottom because i'd feel dominated... you know... like a slave ! "

I must admit i was really shocked, i don't know about all the visitors, but all the people that comment on this site (with a few exceptions) are black/mixed, so i wanna know how you guys feel about interracial dating, have u ever done it ? has it ever crossed your mind ? would you do it ? does exclusively "caucasian" porn turn u on ?

would a white man make u turn around in the street to take a double look ?

I know he would make me take triple looks !

The race thing is different on the other side of the Atlantic, the minorities have just been there for a few decades, they dont have much power, there are no such things as black schools (it took me about about a year to understand the concept of black colleges in the U.S) or neighbourhoods, its just a blend : black kids/white/asian/whatever... in France, all the kids grow up together and go to the same schools so...
I wouldn't say that it's exactly the same with dating, but the proportions of interracial couples are the highest that's for sure (i personally know more than 10 asian/black gay couples), so... to me sexy is just SEXY !
I have to admit things went a lil' crazy when i moved to North America a few yeas ago because, man !!!! i wasn't used to having so many choices of other black men to chill with, so it was like a starving child at a buffet, i filled my plate, grabbed as much meat as i could and went at it till i passed out ! lol
But i'm back to my normal self now, :-)

how do you guys feel about the interracial thing ?

Bonus : Enrique Iglesias singing his famouse song hero to a male fan, and holding him in his arms (more than once), live @ G-A-Y london
Enrique @ G-A-Y
Get your tickets to Europe people, things get crazy across the pond !

Communication time :-)

2007-06-07T14:19:00.000-04:00

These are just quick answers to comments made in various posts, i should have done it a long time ago, but... mmm.. well, i have no reason, bite me ! ( no please dont,.. lol)

So...

@ Karamale : have fun with your loved one in NYC, hadnt talked 2 u in a while bro, i missed u!

@ E : u and all ur IJSTP's, FGHI, ISPFT, JKEW, personality tests and mystic codes will always make me laugh. Steph said that for the right amount of cookies he could help you move ! lol

@ Jameil : The crazy things people do 4 luv ! i am not complaining !!!

@ Fuzzy : indeed, nothing wrong with sleeping. where am i in the city ? a downtown-ish neighbourhood with plenty of sushi options lol

@ Fuzzy's soulmate -> Shawn : Yep i travel " a little "... lol, that's one of my biggest, if not my biggest passion : discovering this world we live in, it's amazing !
Some people still walk around naked in forests in some parts of the world, its.... refreshing to see such things lol

@ WiseYoung : sorry your plans were cancelled, i was looking forward to meeting you in " our hometown", that would've been cool !

@ Lyrically Speaking : you're one of the most colourful and positive things in blogopia, just read about your illness, so happy to read that u're doing better, i'll keep you in my prayers and send you positive waves every morning to help you stay strong and happy !!!

Hey !!! by the way, thx to everybody for stopping by this blog from time to time, it's gonna be 2 years next week, it's unbelievable !

Believe it or not...

2007-05-29T15:58:00.000-04:00

i still exist !

I was in Antigua then Turks and Caicos for work and i didnt wanna come back but i have to, at least for a few days...

Y do i never blog when i have free time ? probably because i'm sleeping ! I ALWAYS do it when i have deadlines, it's just better. The inspiration flows in ! But i have all those ideas that get lost because i dont write them down, i thought about gettin them in my blackberry but its full of all types of memos, and alerts, and messages so i dont wanna make things worse.

I moved again (for the xyzn'th time), but for the first time i didnt pack or unpack a single box, (thx Stephen !). There's no point in living by yourself and paying bills so your friends can come watch on-demand movies at ur place, instead i chose to live with them, lol, that might be the most stupid i've done in the past decade OR the most brilliant, we'll see...

I'm always "almost moving out" of this city, but it's always when i think i'm not gonna make it till the end of the month that i let myself go and i discover new places and have fun, and confirm my love for the city... i'm stayin lol... at least for now.

Angels

2007-03-27T18:40:00.000-04:00

Click on the "play" button to live the complete experience :
(50 cent lovers, you can lower the volume... please do lol)

winter. early morning.

i wake up. you're still sleeping or at least thats what i think.
i take the cover off, and start getting out of bed.
You pull me back in and tickle me. i laugh hysterically.
You tell me its too early to get up.
i'm more than happy to be back in bed.
its warm, and when you're there i have no worries.
i fall back asleep like a baby.
i wake up a second time and panic " god i'm late ! "
i rush to the shower.
15 minutes later, the sweet smell of "french vanilla" coffee and the voice of Pavarotti greet me as i walk out of the bathroom. i smile.
my freshly ironed clothes are warm on the side of the bed you made.
all i have to do is get dressed.
breakfast is ready. a ham & cream cheese bagel and a glass of fresh orange juice.
You're calmly reading the newspaper as if you had no idea all those things had been done.
I'm not late... at all. Actually even if i went to school on a turtle's back i'd still be early.
So i smile, sit down, enjoy breakfast. Our conversation is amazing.
We talk about China, about politics in South Africa, " maybe we should consider that trip to Tahiti "...
Is that my shirt you're wearing ?
how can you travel all the way to Montreal with nothing but a brief case and a very small bag ?
You're lucky we wear the same size.
You're unbelievable.
I clean the table, do the dishes,... everything is neat.
I put on my coat on. i'm ready to go.
I open the door first, then turn around and come back to give you a hug.
" Be good ". Of course i'll be.
Thanks for being here. It was just a weekend but it was more than i could ask for.
You never stay long, but i know how hard it is for you to make it here.
And it really means a lot to me.
You're my role model, my hero, an angel. humans call you.. my godfather.
Ever since i was 2, you were there... always, lookin after me.
And no words can express my gratitude.
" I'll call you when i get home ".
I hold my thumb up and close the door.
7pm i come back home, everything is spanking clean and quiet.
My place smells like cuban cigars.
I log into my bank account to pay my bills online
There was a transfer during the day.
You pretend it was a little " bonus to help me cause you know what it's like to be a student",
but its exactly the amount of my tuition. This happens every semester.
Every since i started taking care of my own school expenses and refused to let you take care of it. i shake my head. for a few minutes, You really are unbelievable.
I love you from the bottom of my heart.

Summer. sunset.

I close my eyes. it's like heaven.
I feel like i'm on a cloud, floating in the sky.
Pure joy fills my body. i smile.
Water is splashed on my face. I open my eyes and laugh.
You. me. the pool. the view. the lobster. the wine.
I'm sitting behind you, my hands on your waist, kissing your neck.
you're acting like a baby... as usual, making stupid noises and enjoying the attention.
you turn around and look at me. i dont say anything.
you smile... and kiss me... till we're out of breath.
Life is good.
Running on the beach.
My dog acting wild because the poor boy is a city dog and never had so much space to run.
Your dog acting uppity like it's nothing new.
Diner. Hysterically funny. All those manners we use everyday, out the window.
forks become optional, fingers are gold... we savor, taste, share, laugh... good times.
You sit on the bedroom floor. Alyssa braids your hair. You fake the pain. She pulls your head back to make you feel real pain... you two are both crazy.
Bathroom mirror, you groom my hair. you wanna make sure i look perfect.
i'm scared. you laugh. i hold my breath and look in the mirror.
it's perfect. You get a kiss. hands start exploring bodies.
What is this ?! lol
Outdoor shower. perfumed soap. shorts on. quick shower. We're wet and sexy.
We get to the house party. Sandwich on the dancefloor. You + Alyssa + me.
People join, it becomes a dancing orgy. bodies rubbin all night long.
Looks, kisses, exchanged numbers, smiles, sweat.
Martinis, champagne, and oh so much rhum !!!!!
A walk back home on the beach. We hold hands and share stories.
I close my eyes i'm in heaven. i open my eyes. Your eyes are closed, you're in heaven.
I smile.
Bathroom, long shower, bedroom floor, more exploration.
Damn, this shit is for grown-ups ! And we sure are happy to be grown men :-)
You can be proud, your mama fed you right, your body is amazing.
You wanna call mine to ask her what potion she gave me to make me this way.
We laugh. sex & humour. we are such goofballs.
We climb back on the bed. no sleep. just kisses hands together.
Is that music playing in the background ? How long has it been on ??
What time is it ? oh no ! is this the sun coming up ?
My flight is at 8 am. i'll sleep on the plane.
My bag is ready. I take a cab to the airport.
I dont want you there with me. It would be too hard.
Your tears break my heart. i love you.
thousands of mile separate us. thank god for msn.
I hear the little sound on my computer. i turn around and look at the computer screen.
You say you love me more than chocolate ice cream. i smile.
it means i'm the second thing you love after god... you're stupid.
i shut the computer off. i finally get back to my bed.
i fall asleep instantly.
pure happiness.

My support system. My godfather, and the man i call my frovther lol ( friend, lover and brother). 2 heaven-sent men that are so far away from me, that helped me grow, that contributed so much to the making of who i am today and that i see less and less and for shorter periods of time.
They're slowly fading into the background as i'm growing up as if my independance would make them disappear from my life. Everytime i say that they smile and thell me that it means they've done their job. It's weird, sad, scary but also good, exciting...
Thank you, my angels.

(how many of you nasty freaks were confused and thought i was kissing my godfather in the pool ? LOL)

Look around you... you have angels, thank god for them.

Thought u'd like to...

2007-03-03T12:10:00.000-05:00

... see this.
Far from the cute white glittery hollywood snow, this is winter in Montreal, Quebec !

Anyone wanna bbq ? no... ? its understandable

Only way to find your car : a shovel. Then, it takes10 mins to heat the engine and clean all the windows so you can see something while you're driving...

Waitin for a bus in those ridiculous "shelters " when its -10 degrees, and guess what ? the bus is always late !!
Perfect drivin conditions, can u believe i had to take the drivin test for my license in such conditions ?
a cute one...

like i said u need a shovel to find ur car ...
... no shit !
it only makes sense when u leave the city boundaries, there everything is quiet. the snow is beautiful, the snowboarding begins ! :-)
At least kids are havin fun... as usual
Apparently it aint just the kids, some "talented" people r havin fun too...... Well it sure aint no fun to me.

After all the complaints about the weather i heard from my nyc friends, i land here this morning and its 54 degrees outside, ru FREAKIN KIDDIN ME ???? 54 !!!!
This ain't no damn winter, this is a joke, this is spring !!!!!
So before i go back to my beloved cold city where such temperatures will not happen until may, i have the OBLIGATION to make this nyc trip a crazy trip.

Any Nyc bloggers available 2 take me out ?

Can you...

2007-02-24T22:32:00.000-05:00

... swim ?
... ride a bike ?
... dance ?
....rollerblade ?
... cook ?
... ice skate ?
... flip ? (ya know... the acrobatic move)
... speak languages other than your native one ?
... walk on your hands ?
... the list goes but i want u to add somethin original, somethin u can do but not everybody else can
Let's feel special in here !!!! lol

I was talkin to my boy E and the subject of swimming came up so i felt like askin u about all those things u can life without ever doin...
There are things on that list i cant do, so im not tryin to compare myself to u guys lol

I'm good by the way... my schedule is crazy, i have no laptop, its almost impossible to describe the Blackberry-ness of my life right. i LIVE thx to that thing.
i'm in Paris, been here for a while now, family stuf, medical stuff, work-related stuff, a lil' school too. im not bored. i didnt forget u guys. i love to read ur blogs. now i save them and read them on the plane (useless to say its a lil hard to comment!)

There r a few things i have to take care of, like answerin a lil of people, a lot of emails, i'm sorry, i promise it will be done within the next few days.

here's an order : show some love 2 my boy Karamale, because i said so... what else did u have planned for the rest of the day anyway u lazy freaks ? lol

i'll write a more organized post later.

First impressions

2007-01-17T17:24:00.000-05:00

(This post was started last week, but my buddy E's last post put me in a good mood, so i finished it)

Damn, I haven't posted much in 2006... and when i did, the entries were mostly sad or totally depressing, lol... I had a rough year, but it's all in the past now.

Let's start the year with a fun post.

I think i mentionned work, family, and a bunch of other things but i havent really said anything about the boys (and girls) in my life.
So,... allons-y ! ( "let's go !")

Let's start with 'Curves'. I see 'Curves' everyday. And oh, it's a man, lol.
He has the most unbelievable body i've ever seen. Full lips, crazy pecs and biceps, natural 8-pack with the "V-shape" at the bottom, bubbly bubble butt, amazing thighs, calves everything... His father is some kind of athletic trainer, and considering the job he's done on his kid, i would hire him as a personal trainer the second at any price !

'Curves' is straight. Believe it or not he is not sexy. lol. Just like his body, he was gifted with a ridiculously handsome face, there is not physical reason for him not to be sexy but he is not. When i saw him at school, the first minutes i felt dizzy, lol. Then everything downhill and a few minutes later i was back to my books, it's unbelievable. He was full of himself, and just plain stupid.

The first weeks, he was everybody's friend then he managed to argue with all of them, and quickly became a loner. He came to me because we were in the same class and there was no group he could possibly join. I was by myself so we started studying together that day, and it became a daily habit.

From there we built a friendship that has become rock solid now. I realized all he needed was attention because his father never gave him any, and always treated him like a... Soldier. He was bored in his personal life, that's why he was lying and creating drama, just to make something happen in his life.
He moved a lot and was never allowed to spend time with his friends out of school, so he really values our friendship. Always calling, spending weekends at my place, gettin me to spend weekends at his so we can play videogames till 8 am, always consulting me before taking decisions, and in the process making his girlfriends either jealous or feel like they were goin out with the both of us. He's one of the rare friends who knows about my sexuality.

I had to tell him because he was getting way too close emotionally (i couldnt think of anything or anybody else at one point) and physically (sleepin in my bed in his underwear) , doing weird things like arguing with people to si t next to me at the movies. I just felt it was important for him to know. He was very cool with it, and took the fact that i told him as a proof that we were really like brothers. I couldnt expect a better reaction. It made things clear, i got the confirmation the he was not a 'curious or confused straight' man that was trying to experience things (that's something i refuse to deal with), so i really started becoming a better friend to him in return.

I'm goin to his kickboxing class. it's starting in 10 mins and i'm bringing him his gym clothes, LOL, so i guess i'd better be gone, i'll write about the others later.

The feeling you get when you realize you're about to rush and run like a mad man to help somebody who just a few months ago completely repulsed you.... Ain't it completely crazy ??

First impressions = a sick biatch !
Is there a person in your life you just look at and you're like " damn, if somebody had told me we'd be friends i probably whould have stabbed the person " ?

2006-12-31T19:50:00.000-05:00

On the 31st of December 2005, following an old tradition from Ivory Coast, i cut all of my hair off, and started wearing my mourning bracelet. It's incredible how those things help. People don't come to you with their bullshit when they know you're mourning. Later that night, I sat on the balcony and looked at the city wondering what kinda life i was gonna live.
A murdered friend, a pregnant friend dead too, her boyfriend (another one of my friends) comitting suicide because of her death = a LOT of funerals.
A country at war, a broken family, very little communication with other friends, almost no sleep = a LOT of stress.
So on that last day of the year, i fell asleep quite hopeless not knowing that :

In ...

... January : I would be allowed to write all the final exams i missed when i left in december

... February : I'd be hired by 2 hotels in 2 different cities at the same time.

... March : A couple of friends would decide to come live with me so i could have human presence (and good food) everytime i come back home

... April : My apple tree would finally start growin.. lol

... May : An ex boyfriend would re-appear and fight to get our friendship the way it was.

... June : It would be so hot in Montreal, the parties would never end, the boys would keep on making eye contact, and my cell phones memory would reach its maximum capacity (numbers, number, numbers !)

... July : I would start feeling comfortable at home with my family again, in Paris and Milan thanks to... the World Cup and all those great moments of joy !

... August : That dude from Harvard would call me to ask me if i was available for an interview.

... September : Becoming a tutor for freshmen would boost my motivation (and my sense of style too, for some reason!)

... October : It would be so damn cold i would be sick all the time, and my boss would refuse to let me go even though i had 6 classes at school [ I was just helping and wasn't exactly gettin' paid. Considering the kinda compensation i was getting (A LOT of free goodies), i am very not complaining, and i am so not going back to wrking full time either... lol ]

... November : " An almost-comittment " would become a very " non-stressful " relationship, and i would find my sexual match on this planet.

... December : I would realize that all the unnecessary people in my life had been either politely asked out of my life or well... violently kicked out. LOL And with them, left all the unnecessary problems, came space and light.

Today, i'm exhausted but i'm happy.

As i'm sittin on my bed, with so much hair on my head it's ridiculous and wearing no damn bracelet, tryin to decide if i'm going with the black shirt or the black sweater, im not really wondering what 2007 is gonna be like.
Every second, i do all i can to make sure the next will bring as much (if not more joy), so... March, February, Thanksgiving, Monday, or Sunday, it doesnt really matter.
All i know is that i deserve happiness and i will get it !

Happy New Year my fellow bloggers/readers !

i'm not dead.

2006-11-24T01:28:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to let you guys know i'm still alive.
Is it back-to-blogging time or somethin around here ? so many of my idle buddies r makin a comeback lol... Yes, guys, please come back !
Would love to join the band wagon but my life is kinda crazy right now.
i'm a very happy silent reader though so keep on bein so... "you" in your blogs.

:-)
S to the oldier !

Viva B.E.P

2006-07-13T01:45:00.000-04:00

i just got back from Germany and i should be resting but my sleepin pattern is messed up forever so i'm up.

It started as a comment now its becoming a post
The Black Eyed Peas is one of the groups i love the most

It started back in 1998 with their album " Behind the front ". i thought they were cool, that was about it. I think i was busy with other things, i just didn't take the time to really listen to them. I didn't really go behind the front.

They gave us hope for the new millenium with their 2000 album "Bridging The Gap", the album that made me smile. They weren't huge back then but i was constantly calling the Request Line, to make sure the D.J. would play one of their songs. I liked it that way, i felt like they were mine.

Macy Gray came out with a good album around that time... hmm.. those days are so gone

2003. I was sitting in a car with my non-talking-to-each-other parents and my so-fed-up-with-that-bullshit sister. It was about 6:45 am. We were meeting with a bunch of lawyers before splitting up in different countries again. No need to say the tension in the air was thick. That's when i heard it on the radio for the first time " Where is the love ". Well it was certainly not in that car, but they helped me find it deep in my heart as I fell in love with the whole album right away.
My interest for them became pure love.
We "got it started", once it started we "got retarded", we shouted "Hey Mama" but she told us to "shut up". The party continued anyway.

At that time, i would have been ok if the Black Eyed Peas had disappeared forever, it would have been sad but i would have felt like they did what they had to do ! and i would have been proud anyway.

That's when they showed me that even with all the respect i had i was still underestimating them. Monkey Business came out. It took me a whole month to start listening to the cd. I had to stop everything i was doing first, say bye to my family and friends and tell them, i'd probably be gone till november of the next year lol. B.E.P might be from the United States but they're an international treasure. I knew the B.E.P wave would take me far away.

And of course it did. I went to Amsterdam just to see them in concert.

Pump It
Don't Phunk With My Heart
My Style
Don't Lie
My Humps
Like That
Dum Diddly
Feel It
Gone Going
They Don't Want Music
Disco Club
Bebot
Ba Bump
Audio Delite At Low Fidelity
Union

Those are 15 reasons why you might have called me and i didnt pick up.
15 ways to escape from reality.
15 ways to confirm my B.E.P addiction

15 things me and Shawn have in common.
Thx man for the idea.

Ladies and Gentlemen, The Black Eyed Peas :

2006-07-11T02:25:00.000-04:00

CHECK THIS OUT

I'm in psychological recovery after the world cup. The guy in Blue is Materazzi, a player of the Italian team, the one in white is Zidane, of the french team. we still have no idea about what the italian player said to Zidane to cause such a reaction. Zidane was given a red card and sent off the field. France lost. Italians love to provoke and intimidate people. There's no Viva Italia. im disgusted.

The " what is this ? " post

2006-06-30T20:36:00.000-04:00

It's hard to find time for this, but i'll make sure i do. it's worth it.
A weekly post will do for now though, it's cool to keep up with all the blogs i read, i just can't find time for my own ! It sucks

I had a Karamale moment a few hours ago, at work.
Some guy who wanted to invest in one of our projects ( having a band to perform live every single day of August & September in one of the hotel's bars ) came by and wanted to talk to somebody from the management team. I was sent to talk to him.
The (very troll looking) caucasian man hesitated a bit and then asked me if there wasn't anybody more experienced that he could talk to, i let him know i was probably the best choice or my boss wouldn't have asked me to talk to him. He then said he wanted to talk about promoting our concept and needed somebody who was more " attached " to the city. I told him i had been living in Montreal for the past few years and i really knew almost everything there was to know about promoting a nightlife event. He then said : " i need to talk to somebody who knows about music. Mostly Rock. It'd be better if i could talk to somebody whose culture included those types of music, you know ! " i let him know i was really a music lover and he wouldn't be disappointed. Then he said he wanted to discuss the menu, and since we offer European cusine, he'd prefer talking to somebody who knows about that too.
I told him i was french and i started getting annoyed by his behaviour, i gave him the " what is this ?? " look !
The look on his face made me realize what was going on.

" Basically, you don't want to talk to a black person ! " was my answer to him, as i stood up.
He was shocked. I told him i should be the one in shock because of his ignorance.
He started getting some kind of attitude, telling me i should watch my mouth. I brought him back to reality. When you're the one who's new in town and you're trying to get notoriety by financing projects for a hotel so your name can be mentionned in a public place, it's better to hold some stuff back and avoid letting your bullshitty nature show.
I'm black so he didn't expect me to know my job ? know about music ? or (european) food ? and he thought i needed to "watch my mouth", probably because he thought i was gonna be scared of him talking to my boss.

I told him to just sit right there and wait a second for my boss.
Their conversation was quite short. He didn't get the contract. We have a list of 150 + people who want their name associated to that project, we don't kiss people's asses, we don't deal with retards. This is 2006, and this is Canada. I love my boss.... I love my job.

Speaking of european things we (France) made it to the final against Italy. WHAT IS THIS ??? How did that happen ? I'm shocked. If we win, i'll probably stop this blog, stop working and sell myself on the streets for the rest of my life. Weird ain't it ? i know but i don't want the french team to win, we just TALK too much. If we win, we're gonna be acting as if we were the best team that ever existed, as if we were made of gold, as if the cup was gonna be ours for life... Viva Italia ! The land of delicious pizzas, excellent wine, illegally handsome men, godesses like Monica Bellucci, pasta, and... well, my grandmother.. :D lol.

This world cup final itself got me like : WHAT IS THIS ???
Your boy soldier, as explained last summer in that post, is french/italian/ivorian/senegalese ( for the geographically lost people ivorian = from Ivory Coast, Senegalese = from Senegal, both countries in West Africa). And the final of this world cup is gonna be France Vs Italy.
France is my country, Italy is the love of my life, Africa is my blood, heart and soul, and guess what ? (As you can see here, the french team is full of African players),
I'm 100% sure i'll cry at this final. It'll be so damn beautiful. I'm rooting for both teams I dont want France to win cause we talk too much but i want the African players of the team to be the best so i want France to win too. Like my boy Eamon said : "Fuck what i said (earlier about not wanting france to win), it dont mean shit now !" Every player is my favorite player, lol. Whoever wins, i'll party my ass off.

I sold my 4 semi-finals of the world cup ticket for 550 euros each ( 700 $ ). They cost me 400 euros. My gain of (4 x 150 = 600 euros) was exactly the price i paid for my ticket for the final. So i paid myself back. This sunday i'll be in Germany, watching the final of the World Cup Live, in one of the first rows, for free ! My father (who's going with me,... and my mom, and my 2 sisters, and my cousins, etc... we're a group of 35, lol it'll be so much fun) was like (you guessed it) : WHAT IS THIS world coming to ??? (He's mad cause he paid full price, lol)

From now on, i'll still be living la vida loca but i will not spending a penny on it.
This is a business world. Hop on the train !

Random !

2006-06-20T17:36:00.000-04:00

I answered all the comments to the previous post in its comment section
----

Artiste Extraordinaire : Daft Punk - " Face to Face "

(click on Play to listen to it right here, right now)

The Random thing, I don't think i ever did it... if i did, then it was a long time ago...

Well i'm in the process of getting my life organized, so uh... it's the same for my blog i guess...

* Me and another blogger are in "talks" about co-hosting a lil sum'-sum' that'll deal with travelling, experiences, and tips on where to go if you ever wanna step out of your comfort zone. Let's hope we'll make it happen. it could be cool !

* I love people who know how to get what they want. An opportunity to meet a really influent businessman presented itself. I called my friend Nikki to see if she was interested in meeting him with me. The meeting was taking place 10 minutes later, so i was just giving her the info, thinking she would probably be too busy to come with me. Less than 10 minutes later, she was standing in front of me and we were ready to have lunch with the man. She was STUNNING. Trench coat, nice pumps, perfect hair, glowing face, perfect smile (For a second i even thought about cancelling everything and asking her out, just like that.. lol).
We met the man and thank god she was there, she really made an excellent impression and he gave us more than 5 ways to contact him in case we ever needed his help, advice or support, or anything !
I dropped her at her appartment, went in for a sec to get some dvds. I saw her removing her trench coat, i was curious to see what was going on under. I was sure it was something very short because during lunch as she was sittin down all you coud see was legs, no dress or anything.
If only i was prepared for i saw : stained gym clothes !

WHAT ????? She laughed and told me what happened when i called.

She was at the gym. The second i told her who we could be meeting, she stopped everything she was doing, borrowed the trench coat and pumps from her friend who works at the gym's front desk, as well as the friend's handbag, ran out of the gym, and hopped into a cab in which she did her hair and make-up with what she found in the bag (she was lucky the friend and her didn't have completely opposite skin complexions).
All of that in about 10 minutes, that's crazy !! Damn, who does that ? lol
To me, she has James Bond status now... damn, damn !

* Masculinity is perceived so differently around the world ! On the re-run of CSI i watched today, a woman saw a man and called him "girly" and assumed he was gay just because he had style (nice suit, nice shirt, nice tie, nice shoes, perfect choice of colors,... viva italia !), and was perfectly groomed.
He wasn't gay, he was just european, lol... european men are very fashion-aware.

David Beckham

* Speaking of style, why don't some people dress according to their physique ? i mean some things will fit certain people and not others. Some trends are not for you... lol... do not follow them !

* Special shoutout to all the bloggers who kept in touch with me with during the past six months, you guys rock !

* What are you guys doing this summer ? any major plans ? I know i'm gonna be working most of the time but i'll definitely take a break in August to go on my usual African tour : Morocco, Tunisia, Ivory Coast, Senegal & Cabo Verde to see my family.
To me, nothing beats that kinda trip.

Here's what i miss the most about living in Africa :

They are our future,... i wanna be there every step of the way, and make sure they grow to become wise, strong, and just so damn beautiful !

I opened the door...

2006-06-12T03:35:00.000-04:00

Artiste extraordinaire : Esthero - "I drive Alone"

---------

... and dropped my bag on the floor.

First thing i did was taking a cell phone out.
I dialed 5 numbers. one by one.
And about 5 times, i smiled as i left the same message :
" We had some unfinished business, didn't we ? Well guess what... i'm back "
I kept on similing as i threw the phone somewhere over my shoulder, knowing i wouldn't have to use it again for a long time.

I took another cell phone out of the bag and like a kid turning his video game on for the first time after finding it under the christmas tree, i turned it on : My local cell phone. i was back for real.

20 minutes later, as i was coming out of the shower, i heard the familiar incoming-text-message beep coming from my cell :
" Welcome back soldier, be downstairs in 10 minutes "

8 minutes later, when i stepped out, the car was already parked in front of the house and the driver was standing by the door (they hadn't forgotten how much the small details count, i was impressed).
10 minutes later, i was there. The place i loved the most, a white tent set in the park, table for 6, fresh seafood. I smiled as i sat down with the people i had been separated from for the first time since birth, my bestfriends.

Three words were enough to put my brain on memory-shuffle mode : " how was it ? "
Only one word made an appropriate answer : "chaos"

Saying that life is a rollercoaster is an understatement, people...

When i left home in december, i unplugged all the electronic applicances, cleaned the floors, closed all the windows and doors, emptied the fridge. I just had the feeling this trip was gonna be more than a few days long.

At the beginning of december, my pregnant friend and her boyfriend ended their 5 years relationship, which led her to depression. Can you even imagine what it's like to be disrespected, lied to and cheated on by somebody whose child you're carrying in your body, a child that will become an unbreakable bond between the 2 parents for life... i've seen depressed people before, but this one was carrying a human being in her body. it was scary ! In the last weeks of her pregnancy, right when the pressure became too much for her to handle, she got sick and was taken to the emergency room. The baby we had all been waiting for, the baby she had been talkin about for more than 8 months could never see daylight... and she almost died.

3 days later, as me and my friend were packing to return to France so she could rest with her family, we received a phone call. Some boy had just slit my 17 years old friend Alex's throat right in the middle of their high school ( ASOY, American School of Yaounde, Cameroon). Why ? The boy claims Alex tried to "seduce" him.

I took the friend who had lost her baby to France, then headed to Cameroon, Ivory Coast, and Senegal to be with my people as we all wanted to support Alex's family.

A week after my arrival there, my friend who had lost her baby passed away in Paris and her boyfriend who felt responsible for everything that happened commited suicide.

My life became a TOTAL MESS. It felt like some kind of end of the year wipe-out... It was harder than words will ever be able to express. I was like a dead mind in a living body. I didn't know what to do or what to think. I seriously didn't feel safe.

They say life always goes on. As impossible as it first seemed, it did. Life went on.

I kept on going back and forth between Paris and Montreal.
I did it so much, it became.. my job. crazy but true.
A small Paris-based hotel group hired me because they needed somebody who didn't mind going back forth all the time.
So much happened.....

The hotel experience was very pleasant, it kept me busy, it kept me from drowning in misery.
I was so comitted to my job, i fell in love with it.
Me and the hotel business are now in deep, pure love. I need my own hotel, anybody wanna buy me one ? lol

Life went on, the world kept on turning,
life has to go on, the world has to keep on turning,
Things change,
cherish the day,
every moment counts,
save for tomorrow,
live for today,
but most of all, never forget

by the way, i'm back.

WHY ?

2005-12-12T21:29:00.000-05:00

So i haven't posted in a while...
well here's why :

I was busy and i was just postponing the day i would post but then came last weekend (Fri dec 2- mon dec5 5) which was probably the worst one in years :

On friday night, one of my best friends who was at the end of her pregancy finally went to the hospital and had a VERY complicated delivery, she almost died. Thank you lord for allowing her to share this life with us longer...

On saturday, i received about 16 emails and about 10 phone calls to let me know that the teacher's strike had ended in one of the 2 colleges i attend, and since i'm a tutor it means more studying, more work for, and an extended fall semester. I also found out some of my classes were probably gonna be cancelled and the evaluation procedures were gonna be modified. All Xmas travel plans r cancelled, my fathers is in town for an undetermined amount of time, so all the pressure in my life went to the roof !
On sunday, i spent almost 5 hours at school dealing with the consequences of the end of that strike, the new classes schedules till the end of the semester, thestudents' questions etc... it was horible.

During all that weekend, i did the best i could to entertain a guest too, and trust me it was HARD with all the stuf i had my mind but i HAD to do my best since the guest had travelled a long way to come visit me.

But all of the above was nothing compared to what happened on monday. I got a phone call, in which i was informed that the following happened :

******
I used Alta Vista babelfish to translate the whole article. had to this because the original is in french and can be found @ www.cameroon-info.net

This happened on monday Dec 5 2005, which is last monday.
******

Yaounde: A pupil cuts the throat of his comrade

YAOUNDE - 06 DEC. 2005
© Jean-Bruno Tagne, Changes

The two teenagers were registered at the American school.

Theophilus Abéga, the president of the Gun of Yaounde, has the tears with the eyes when it is addressed to his son sitted and menotté behind a record player of the brigade of research of the company of gendarmerie of Mfoundi. The Tee-shirt and the Jean which Franck wears, 17 years, are mackled of blood. Its left hand, sanguinolente, are emmaillotée in an old white clothing. "Franck, Franck...", lance Theophilus Abéga with his son while crushing some tears. Franck A. was brought to the brigade of research, approximately an hour and half after having killed his comrade, Jean-Alex N, 17 years old Burundian and raises, him also, at the American School of Yaounde.

According to testimonys' collected on the spot of the crime, the drama occurred yesterday around 11h with the pause. Franck approached his victim and, without any dispute and without saying the least word, seized itself of Jean-Alex and A cut the throat of using a knife which it would have, according to any probability, brought back of its residence. All went very quickly. The victim died at once, without one having time to lead it in a hospital, supports a watchman. After his act, Franck tried to escape before being controlled in his race and being bound by the vigils. Informed of the drama, the ambassador of the United States in Cameroun went in this school just like certain eminent personages of the gripping forces of the order. Among them, Edgard Alain Mebe Ngo' O, Deputy general with national Safety and the General Paul Yakana Guebama.

Complaints

In front of all this world and in the enclosure of the American School, Theophilus Abéga has only his tears to cry. He does not include/understand anything, since it is itself which came deposited his/her son the morning to the school. Concordant sources present this last as being a calm child, almost timid, who speaks very little with his comrades in class. A close relation of the family supports that Franck, "even at the house does not speak. All that it can do is to play football." What could well arrive to this pupil, of the 11th rank at the American School (final in the Cameronian system)?

Questioned by the gendarmes, the young man affirmed that the victim tried to seduce him for some time. He specifies that he complained several times at the administration about his school which did not react. What would have it even thorough not to go to the school since two weeks. Yesterday morning, it took again the way of the school, armed with a kitchen knife with which it made its fixed price. Franck was led to the urgencies of the central hospital of Yaounde where it underwent care for the wounds which it had with the hand at the time when his knife was torn off to him. The victim, it, was led to the mortuary of the general Hospital of Yaounde. According to certain sources, not confirmed by the persons in charge for the school remained closed with any declaration, his/her parents would live in Chad and in Ivory Coast.

An investigation was opened with the brigade of search for Yaounde, to know the exact circumstances of this drama which tétanise boarders of the American School, closed for the remainder of the day of yesterday. At the end of the evening, we were joined to the telephone by a spokesman of the embassy of the United States in Cameroun, which affirms that it works in this moment to answer the emotional shock that this drama involved in the families and at the school. It supports that the American School spider monkey, as of now, with the reinforcement of its infrastructures for a greater safety of the pupils.

One remembers that a few times ago, the parents of pupils of the college Fustel de Coulanges of Yaounde, the French equivalent of the American School, had complained about a traffic of narcotics which had course in this school. It was at the time when a young boarder of this academic structure had been killed. The persons in charge for Fustel, them, had also remained of marble.

*****

I knew the young man who was killed...

i have no idea how i'm gonna finish my semester with that on my mind.

Please for those of you who are religious, spend a second or two to pray for this young man's soul and for his family because right now it's chaos...

Does this work for you ?

2005-11-20T18:32:00.000-05:00

Check this out, this is me 100%, i'm impressed... so i wonder if it works for others too...

You Are A Lime Tree

You are intelligent, hard working, and innately successful.

You try to change what you can in life - and you accept what you can't change.

Tough on the outside, you are actually soft and relenting.

Jealous at times, you are extremely loyal and giving to those you love.

You have many talents, but you don't have enough time to use them.

What is Your Celtic Horoscope?

Tell me what kinda tree you are, and if what they say about you is true !

" Tu peux faire tellement mieux " ?

2005-11-13T04:06:00.000-05:00

So i havent updated in a while, i know... but my latest posts " It ends tonight ! " and " Colonel ! " the story of one of the most terrible events of my lifetime was read by a lot more people than i expected and i spent all week exchanging emails with other bloggers about it, i made friends in the process, especially one... I have no idea how it's possible to be that cool but he is COOL and i hope he sticks around for a lifetime or two.. lol

So back to our business of the day, i was having dinner with my friends tonight and everything was cool, we were talking about weddings in our families ( why are they all next July ? ) when one of us started telling us how he thought he was probably get engaged with his current girlfriend because things were really great between them.

He had to stop because another one of my friends had a really strange look on his face. We litteraly had to beg him to give his opinion about the whole thing. Apparently, something was wrong to him but he didnt wanna say it, but we begged him some more and he just started laughing, then he told the soon-to-be-engaged one : " Tu peux faire tellement mieux ! ", and that means " You can do so much better ! " Personnally, i was SHOCKED... speechless, and embarassed.

You can do so much better ? What does that mean ?

Thats what he was asked to explain but he gave vague answers, so the Mr-soon-to-be-engaged got mad and left. I tried my best to make him stay, but he was just furious.

The second he left , we started " agressing " the one who had started all that mess with our questions. HOW COULD HE SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT ???
He said that the man is flawless ( which is true ) so since he could get any woman he wanted, why was he picking the average girl he was with ?
That, to me was crazy because the girl is simply extraordinary. She's smart, polite, educated, kind, considerate, excellent cook, funny, simple but stylish, and so much more...
But he continued and said that it made no sense, that our friend should get a hot girl because he could and that it was a waste to be with his current girlfriend. I put my part of the money on the table and left... 20 mins later i was at the movie theater watching "The Corpse Bride" with my friend and his girlfriend.
So my real question is " how could somebody even think something like that ?? "

I wanna have other people's opinions : I see a lot of people running after " sexy people ", thinking they're too good themselves to be with an average looking person, " oh he gotta be tall, and muscular, and be cute and be this, and be that... " isnt it crazy ?
I heard a lot of young women around me say stuff like " how can beyoncé be with that ugly Jay Z, when she can do so much better ! Is it because of the money or the sex or what ?? "
Can't Jay Z be a good man who respects her, makes her laugh, knows how to be there for her, and treats her right ? or " Denzel's wife ain't that fine, what a waste of a fine man ! "
Im not saying that looks don't matter at all, but man ! How can you request something of somebody when they have absolutely no control over it ( like overall physical appearance ) ?

So what do people do these days, set their physical requirements and then only talk to those who meet them, or is it that conversation and personnality etc.. don't count anymore, once you find somebody's cute enough, you just hook up with them ??

I need feedback y'all FOR REAL !

Colonel !

2005-11-03T01:55:00.000-05:00

ok so... i couldn't finish this earlier but since I can't sleep, i'll do it now even though it's not easy.
Of course reading this will be easier after reading " It ends tonight ! "
It is a long post, but uh... it's not the kinda stuff you can sum up
( About the plan, i started adding the details i wanted to show but uh.. it was way too much , it was taking too much time but i might add it later )

Oh did i forget to mention to mention the country had been officially declared war zone by the UN a week before ?

So, they told us that they had been sent for us and we didn't understand what they were talking about. From there everything went really fast.
They told us to lay on the floor in the living room, then they came closer to us, and they did something we hadn't expected. One of them told my father to come upstairs with him, another pulled my mother closer to him and took her to the basement , the other one was still holding Precious and went outside with her, one stayed with my brother and I, while the last one went upstairs as well.

I have no idea how long it lasted but it sure felt like a lifetime... The man was sitting there, with a gun pointing at us, telling us how spoiled we were and asking us if we thought people would miss us after what would happen tonight... i was already dead in my mind, but what happened next brought me back to life ! He told us to stand up. We're both about 6'2". He started telling us how a good idea it would be if they hired us to work for them, then started " checking " we were " healthy " : he touched our faces, body, arms, legs, always holding his gun with the other and, then he grabbed my bro's crouch ( it really looked like it hurt ) and started squeezing. He said he wanted to know how much of a man my bro was. The boy just lost his mind and started crying, i know it was out of anger, but the man told him he was weak and punched him so hard he fell on the ground. My heart was racing so fast i was almost getting dizzy, i was terrified, not knowing what kinda sick violence he would use on me... he asked me if i was gonna stand there and not help my brother, said i was a coward kicked me in the balls and pushed me so hard I fell to the ground then he put his foot on my chest, telling me that i hadn't even seen anything yet.
Every single thing that i had ever been on my mind was coming back up and every breath felt like it was gonna be the last one, i was scared.

Just, when he was about to start using his imagination to torture us, one of his partners came back from the basement, carrying a big box that seemed pretty heavy. When he put it on the floor, i felt all my anger coming up. All the jewelry of all the people of the house was in there, along with dollar bills, euros, yens, mp3 players, laptops, and a lot of other things... Not because it was jewelry or money but because it was our personal things that it took us so many years to get and in a few minutes, people were coming and taking it all away just like that. Thinking of those material things i realized i had more important things to worry about at that moment : where were my mom, my dad, Precious, and... wait a second... WHERE WAS MY SISTER ????????

I would have gone crazy if they hadn't come back with my mother. She looked traumatized but she didn't say a word. One of them went upstairs to see what his partner was doing, and a few minutes later came back down with my father.
They told us to lay on the floor again, which wasn't hard for me since i had been on the floor for some time now.
Then, 3 of them left, and the one remaining, their leader started speaking to us :
" So you haven't been cool with us, and you refused to cooperate... we will have to start getting serious in here. We've just been told that there you guys are supposed to be six, but you're four here, and plus that other girl, it's just five, what the fuck is going on ??? "
Since nobody was speakin, he took the gun and pointed it at my mother's head and said he was giving us a few seconds to get our minds clear and tell him what was goin on and why they hadn't found anybody else, but then something happened : outside, the security guard was doing his round with the two dogs.

As he got closer to the house, he realized something was wrong : the incredible silence, the fact that all the lights were off eveywhere in the house, the girls' clothes outside and the dozens of muddy footsteps on the terrasse. He couldn't see what was going on inside though because all the windows were tainted so we could see what was goin on outside but nobody could see what was going on inside, especially if the lights were off, like right now.
Before anybody could understand what he was doing, he started running in the opposite direction, he was going to call back up.
We were relieved but we couldn't let it show because we didn't want the man to go crazy and shoot one of us.
He said : " This is unbelievable, what kinda mess is that ? You think this is over ?????? Trust me, we will be back, Colonel ! "
My mother stood up : " Colonel ????? who are you calling a Colonel ??? "
My stepbro was like " Yeah, Colonel who ??? "
The man shouted : " Stop that, what do you mean colonel who ??? ( pointing at my father ) Colonol him ! "
My mother put her hand in my father's pocket
The man said he was going to shoot both of them if it didnt stand still the tension was horrible.
My mother didn't pay attention to him, WHAT WAS SHE DOING ?
She took something out my father's pocket. The man kicked her, she fell but she was still holding what she had taken out of the pocket, she was in huge pain, and tears were coming out but she still found the energy to throw what she was holding to the man with the gun
" I already have all of your fucking money, what u throwin this at me for ??? "
It was a wallet and she told him to open it
When he did, his eyes opened so WIDE it was scary.
He threw it on the floor, threatened : " if this is a joke, we will be back here and it'll be the end for you ! ", then he ran away.

As soon as he left my mother picked up the phone to call the police but they had cut the phone lines. We heard a big noise, a female voice screaming, people shooting, dogs barking, and then nothing.
Nobody in the living room could speak. Were they really gone ? We didn't know and we didn't wanna be separated so we stayed together, sitting on the floor, trying to decide if they were gone or not. There was a big question everybody wanted to ask but nobody could find the courage to. Half of the answer was given to us a few seconds later.

We heard footsteps, my heard started racing again.
The kitchen door opened, a small hairy head came out and smiled : my sister !
My mother and stepbrother started crying and ran to her, while my father was speechless.
I asked her where she had been and she told us : " I was in the kitchen to get some ice cream and i heard pople with boots running outside so i hid in the closet "
" The whole time ? " my father asked, and she answered yes.
My mother had just started the first words of a prayer when i asked : " Where is Precious ? "
My sister looked at me, and looked away, for some reason, i felt tears coming up so i shouted : " Where the fuck is Precious ??? " She started walking and we all followed her.
Again, we heard footsteps, people running outside. It was NOT going to happen again !
We ran to the doors and locked ourselves in the living room.

A man knocked on the door : " Is everybody alright in there ? "
We made no noise. The man went around and stood on the balcony, looking for a way to get in. The security guard came back, running, with the dogs : " Boss, i know you can see me, you can open, he's a doctor... " But we still didn't move.
A few seconds later, we heard the sirens, back up was finally there.
My father walked to the bay window and opened it. The security guard got in and said : " Oh thank god, at least you guys are all doing ok ".

" At least, WE guys are... ? " Oh my god Precious !!!
We all ran outside. She was laying on the floor, with blood all over.
The doctor started : " It's a little hard to say this... "
" She's been raped ! ", my sister said it with a weird cold voice.
I dont know if it was because it was my younger sister who said it, but it echoed in my head for a while " raped, raped, Precious, thieves, hit men, raped,... "
It was just too much.
When i came back to reality, the ambulance was gone, the police had arrived and had started asking questions, and my mother was telling us to go back inside.
So i went back inside, and went straight to my room : it was chaos ! the mattress was teared apart, the clothes were too, and they were on the floor, all the drawers were empty...
It was about 11 pm. i laid on the floor and i prayed till sunrise.

When i woke up, later that day, everybody was sleepin in my room, on the floor. It was shocking. Imagine what it would feel like to wake up and see your father, mother, sister and stepbrother layin on the floor around you. It was an akward sight considering what had happened the night before, they really looked dead.
But my stepbro started snoring as usual... lol and i laughed so hard it woke them up.

Later that day, my father told me my sister had been hiding in that closet the whole time, they had walked past her the whole time, she had heard everything that had been said and everything that happened.

They had been sent to scare us, but they had decided they would help themselves and take everything they could as well. The orders they were given were : " Just scare them, but if you have to... well, kill them ! " That's why they had taken my father upstairs to tell him a few things that he should do if he wanted to stay out of their boss' way. They had taken my mother downstairs to get her to give them everything that was in the safe... they had also tried to abuse her but she had scared the hell outta them speaking of god, vengeance, hell, death, karma. They got scared, thought she might have some kind of STD or something... it saved her life.
Little did they know that everything in the safe ( money, jewelry ) was fake. The safe had always been there, just in case... ok, you go mom ! what a brilliant woman.
Hmmmm.. Precious had been raped in the staff bedrooms while the leader was talking to us and my sister heard it all... terrible, terrible... she's been tested for stds and aids 3 times. She's negative, thank god.
Why did they call my dad Colonel ? their boss needed them to be really mad, so he told them my father was a Colonel who participated in a conspiracy and killed hundreds of people !
If only they had said "colonel" be4 they started gettin physical,...

Who had given them all the information they needed ? Once again my sister had the answer to that...... my father's bodyguard, he was in a car outside, the whole time...

3 days later, we were out of the country. We went to Paris.
" L'aéroport Charles de Gaulle " was the last place my family was seen together.
My Parents signed their divorce papers that day at the airport.
My father went to New York, on his own. My mother and sister moved to Nice, in southern France. My stepbrother stayed in Paris, and Precious went to Milan, to live with my grandmother. And me ? after a short stay in new york with my father to help him move in, i moved to Toronto.

It ends tonight !

2005-11-01T18:25:00.000-05:00

This is a true story

For the first time in over 2 years, my " almost "nuclear family was reunited at home, over dinner.
Reason : my parents were back from their business trips and it was their first occasion to have dinner with my cousin Precious who and was going to be living with us for a little while [ we were all permanently relocating to New York ( including her, she was going to start school @ Columbia ) and her parents lived in another city, a small one, so it was easier that way ]. So it was me, my father, my mother, Precious, my sister, and my halfbrother. For the first time in a long time, we were laughing, sharing stories, jokes and good memories.

My father was telling my sister how fat she used to be when she was a kid ( she's a model now so things changed a little bit.. lol), Precious and my mother were making plans for the decoration of her ( Precious ) new Soho appartment and our new townhome on the Upper East sied while my bro and I were talking about going to bed with our girlfriends for Valentine's day,... hmmm...

It was the last time we were all sitting on a table together.

Around 9 pm, my father's bodyguard came in : " Everything's ok, sir ". My father thanked him and allowed him to go to bed. It was his way of telling us he was done for the day, and it also meant it was time for us to get back inside. My sister and Precious smiled at each other and ran off the stairs... 5 seconds later they were in the pool with all their clothes on. On a regular day, my father would have been furious and my mother would have been speechless but on that special day, they found it hilarious but they asked the girls to run inside and get dry.
So we all went back inside to the living room to have dessert and watch Training day ( we all love Denzel ). I was telling my father how bad we needed to build a home cinema in the basement when....

... We heard the loudest and scariest scream we ever heard. It took us half a second to realize that Precious wasn't inside so it was her screaming. My stepbro got mad : " why is that girl so stupid ??? it's no time to scream for no reason, damn it, is she.. " He stopped moving, and none of us understood why until we looked more to the left... Precious was standing outside and on her left...

There was a man... pointing a gun.. at her...

Speechless, terrified, teary-eyed, scared, desperate, shocked,... and many many more words couldn't even totally describe the way as i was feeling. It was as if somebody had pushed paused for what seemed like decades. I could not turn my head, i didnt know where the others were or what they were doing, i was just PETRIFIED !

Then they came in, 5 of them, still holding Precious captive, with a gun on her forehead. The most terrifying one had a devilish smile on his face, had a very STRONG alcohol smell, and it was obvious that his was under the influence of some powerful substance .
He said : " Nous sommes les serpents mortels, nous avons été envoyé pour vous... Notre patron estime que vous êtes un obstacle au deroulement de ses affaires. Il parait que vous faites partie de ces voleurs qui s'enrichissent sur notre dos... et bien je vous informe tout ca s'arrête ce soir !!! "

»» We are the deadly snakes, we have been sent for you... Our boss thinks you're an obstacle to his business. And i heard you're one of those thieves who get richer while we're dying of hunger... let me tell you something, all of this bullshit... it ends tonight ! "

****
I'm sorry but i didn't realize how hard it would be to write all of the above, and even though the story is far from being finished, there's no way i can type some more... i have stuff to do tonight and i really can't be depressed or i'll mess up so i hope you guys will understand, for my mental stability, it's better for me to finish this story tomorrow.

P.S : tomorrow i will add something to the plan of the house that i used above and it'll be easier for the readers to have a virtual image of what im sayin

BE MYSELF

2005-10-31T23:22:00.000-05:00

That's the 10th thing, that was missing from the list i posted yesterday... I'm gonna be myself.
I've been hearing the same thing so many times lately ( " Soldier, don't just be a regular blogger be your damn self !!! " ) that i absolutely have to do something about it. First, to Enzo, Alexander & Domenico : you guys should seriously consider blogging because you give the best advice in the whole world, but since you refuse to do it, i'm just gonna steal your ideas and post them as mine LOL, until you finally start blogging !!!!!!!!

So this week ( it would be cool if it could last longer than a week too... ) I'm gonna be ME... I'm not just gonna sit there and post regular things about life, relationships or basic stuff,... Ok let's cut to the chase : tomorrow in the evening i'm gonna post the first entry of this sequence and it's gonna be entitled " It ends tonight "

Be prepared.

10 things i will do this week

2005-10-30T14:59:00.000-05:00

1. Tell people what i really think when they're being weird, ridiculous or just stupid

2. Study and work

3. Cut my hair and shave

4. Make a final plan for my christmas holidays and make a gift list

5. Go to the dentist's

6. Call my mother

7. Give furniture to the Salvation Army ( last time i gave them clothes and made a mistake, i put something i really liked in the bag... so no clothes for a few months )

8. Do what i gotta do without being distracted

9. Put more french stuff on my blog

I stole it, sue me !

2005-10-29T02:58:00.000-04:00

So i saw this on other blogs but i didn't think of using it for personal purposes until i saw it on " that person's blog ". I can steal anything i want from that blog, it's a decision i just took ! I'm even gonna use the same color, lol
( u know u got plenty of luv for me man, so be cool and let me steal stuff from you )

so here i go !

I am not: to be fucked with ( excuse my french )

I hurt: when " i know i'm gonna fail but even the fear of failing isn't enough energy to do something to avoid failure ". That's because i do things my way only,... i gotta do something about it

I love: my family and God who gave me that family

I hate: animals and people who have opinions on every single thing and feel like their opinions HAVE to be heard ! Your opinion is yours, keep it to yourself if it's not asked. Thank you very much

I hope: i'll live long enough to realize all my dreams

I regret: having tried to be somebody else for too long

I cry: when i'm desperate and when i think of all the people i know who live in war zones ( i love you guys and i think about you everyday )

I care: about the people who want want/me to care about them

I always: think before i act

I long to: find stability ( professional, emotional and financial )

I feel alone: when i'm happy, because the only people who i need to share my joy with are far away from me

I listen: to classical music when i think of big things, caribbean music when i'm nostalgic, hip hop and reggaeton when i dressing up to go out, french music when i'm true to myself...

I wonder: if my penis is still growing.. LOL ( Well i am still growing myself so i wanna know, lol )

I hide: my true feelings for the people i love because i neded them to remain the way they are, i don't wanna pressure them nor do i wanna make them feel like i can't live without them... lol

I drive: a bmw without a driving license, sue me !

I sing: NOT ! I do not sing

I dance: everytime and everywhere ( have u ever heard of a man who looks calm and serious but who's dancing " inside " ? That's me )

I write: on everything ( enveloppes, pieces of paper, newspaper, flyers, books, walls, fridges, floors, lol )

I breathe: through my nose when my mouth is busy... he he

I play: with myself and whoever decides to sleep in my bed

I miss: my house, my family and those precious moments with an ex lover

I search: for happiness for me and my people

I say: what i feel

I feel: happy when i get what i worked hard for

I succeed: when i'm focused

I fail: when i'm distracted, not focused, preoccupied

I dream: all the time and everywhere. I see things the way they are and i imagine them the way i would want them to be

I sleep: wayyyyy to late every single night because i only sleep when i'm totally exhausted

I want: to form my own family, and have my own beach house in a better and more organizsed West Africa, no dogs please i dont like animals

I worry: about not having enough time to do what i need to do everyday

I have: everything i need and most of the things i want and i thank God everyday for that

I give: anything i can antyime i can

I fight: with my boxing gloves ( nobody is worth messing up my nice fists... LOL )

I wait: patiently, for my love life to come back from its summer holidays because it's time for it to go back to work ( love u lazy fool, u wont get paid for all the time you took off )

I am: tired...

I think: with my head ( either one ) all the time, lol

I can't: eat more than twice a day

I stay: focused on my career plan 24/7

I tried: to be nicer to people but it didn't work

I'm mad: when people fall asleep on the telephone while i'm talking to them and refuse to admit it

Yep, that's me ! ( " Trop bon, trop con " )

2005-10-27T00:10:00.000-04:00

" Talking to my friends, meeting them for dinner, that's me...
Travelling around the world to visit family and friends, bringing them gifts, yep that's me...
Laughing all the time, making others laugh, that is also me...
Partying every weekend, discovering new clubs, restaurants, lounges and cocktails, that's definitely me...

Being passionate, considerate, loving and caring, that's also me...
Making sacrifices for the people who are close to me, it's hard but it's me...
Doing my best so that i never hurt them, i try, i try, it's me too...

Smoking outside on the balcony by myself at the end of fall ( when it's cold ) while everybody is inside partying, it's sad but it's me...
Not getting help when i need it the most, it's so shocking, people always assume that since it's me i'll always find a solution, is that me ?
Giving and not receiving as much as i give ( financially and emotionally ), it's disappointing, but well... still me
Ending up alone in my bed, angry, sad, it hurts so bad.... "

YES, all of the above... that WAS me

A few weeks ago ( back in august ), I realized that i was doing wayyyyyy too much for people.
I mean i was calling them, visiting them, sending them e-mails, helping them when they were in trouble, i was trying to be THERE but i was the only one doing so... the only one travelling, calling, helping, etc... they called me " soldier " because i'm known as the strongest of all the people around me, so... they thought i was ok 24/7. After all soldiers don't complain, they're strong, they just do what they gotta do...
If feels just like a beatdown but it's my feelings that are being hurt, not my body... when i'm the one who gives but never gets back, who always calls, who can take an 8hrs flight for 3 days in Paris...i always thought " i'm not crazy ! those things HAVE to be done, if nobody else does it, then thats their lives but personnally im doing what i should do "

ok, i was CRAZY, i was COMPLETELY out of my mind.
I guess i was trying to compensate because i was studying HARD to maintain a 3.5+ GPA and my love life ( or lack of ) at times was... depressing.
But all those trips made me more and more exhausted, all those gifts made people think they didnt have to do anything to keep our relationship strong, all those calls were wasting my precious time... if i hadnt done all those things, i would have had more energy, more time to study, more money to take care of myself, and i wouldnt have never expected anybody to do anything for me... but i guess it was necessary for me to go through all that mess to REALLY understand certain things...

It struck me HARD, lightning couldnt have done better... i dont even recognize myself these days... I just go out when the mood, the people, the place, the time of the day, and the day of month, the weather, the finances,... when every single thing is perfect to me !
It just comes naturally, i like people if i like them... lol and that's just life, all the others ? they dont exist anymore ! i go out when i feel like going out, call when i feel like calling, social " obligations " dont exist anymore, sacrifices too ( i aint got kids yet and im already making sacrifices for people ? ),...

The result ? My finances are better, my classes seem easier, my schedule is crazy but as long as i do what i'm supposed to, everything works out pretty fine...

Lord, thank you for allowing all those people to hurt me and disappoint me, really, it was a very necessary experience, it teached me an excellent lesson that i'm happy i learned without having to make terrible mistakes.
Remember back in August ( when i realized all of the above ), i said " i'll grow from th is " but i was so devasted i couldnt give any details, well i did, and i'm proud of myself.
Thank you for allowing me to meet better people now, if i had met them before i " grew ", we wouldnt have made it past the first minutes of a conversation, they would have never been " cool " enough for me, what a fool i was...

French expression of the day : " Trop bon trop con "
» If you're too good to people, you'll be taken for a fool "

AND JUST WHEN I THOUGHT...

2005-10-16T17:50:00.000-04:00

... I didn't have the time or even patience to sit down and post something, the right occasion comes along.

So I've been pretty busy and i haven't even had time to make calls i was supposed to make on the 22nd of august... and the pace is not slowing down !
I've planned to do things, I've made lists, etc... but i just don't know why i just don't have TIME !!
Well i guess one day i'll find a way to make my organization better,...

But anyway, let's go straight to that subject i just HAD to write about. I had started this blog with fresh, great ideas, but unfortunately i met some of the worst people a discreet man can meet : the " openly gay men who want to open all the closets there are in this world and make all gay men come out " and i really started thinking i wasn't really made for a gay life until ( thank god ) i met some other gay/bisexual men who think like me.

Three bloggers i frequently read ( Valentino, No4Real, and Clay Cane ) wrote about an experience that happened to me before and i feel like i have to share my story, maybe it'll help me because i still feel can't think of it without wanting to break something.

So i met this guy on yahoo and we decided to go out and have dinner for our first real life meeting. I was working as an assistant manager in a small restaurant at that time so for " security " reasons ( You never know these days ), i decided to take him to dinner there. He was there first, and as i got out of the car i saw a really weird looking guy in front of the restaurant. He was very skinny, had locks and a huge coat ( it was the middle of fall but up here in canada, it can get cold ! ) but extremely tight jeans and big boots . Frankly, slim with clothes and shoes looking to big for him, and all that hair but skin tight jeans on skinny legs : he looked like a cartoon character ! I was like " no it can't be him ! " Of course, it was.

His voice was disturbing, his mannerisms were too much : coat on his shoulders like james brown, diva-like attitude when he spoke to waiters, the way he touched things with only the tip of his fingers,... i was feeling dizzy. On top of that, he was a " know-it-all ", one of those people who make culture sound boring, who want to have discussions about places he's never been ( I GREW UP in Paris , how u gonna talk to me about the most interesting things to see in Paris like u a tour guide talking to a japanese tourist ??? ). The conversation was horrible, example :
Him - Oh and there's an extraordinary place called Monaco in south france that i read about, u won't believe how great it is, the casinos, the hotels, ...
Me - I know, that's where my parents got married
Him, looking disturbed, with a face like he's thinking really fast - Marriage is overrated, i don't understand those straight people, its just stupid, all that bullshit
Me - ( raising my eyebrow ) My parents are straight, thank god... if they hadnt been i wouldn't be here, " the straights " ? is it a clan or something, u want to hate on straight people ? You think being gay is so much better ?

Ok after 20 minutes, i was ready to leave, the man was just... ( censored ) .... So just when i thought it couldn't be worse and i started thinking of leaving that fool in the middle of dinner just like that with no explanation, the waiter was just done serving us our dishes and he said ( i don't know how loud he said it but to me it sounded like a rocket hitting a skyscraper ) : " SO WHEN DID YOU REALIZE YOU WERE GAY ? "
My heart almost stopped but i was still alive and i quickly reacted " ARE YOU CRAZY ??? WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO ??? " The waiter stopped, turned around, i looked at him like " what u still doin' here ? ", he almost ran to go back to the kitchen. I realized he was really a fool when he said " of course im talkin to you ? ( he laughs ) Who else could i be talking to ? You're so funny ! " And all along he was tasting his calamari with the most ridiculous diva-attitude... Thank god there was nobody sitting right next to us. I was speecheless but guess what ? HE KEPT ON TALKING, telling me about his experience as a gay rights activist and his memories of Gay Pride in different cities.

I was in a nightmare, i was floating above the tables and i was feeling dizzy and nauseous but i felt like hitting him wouldn't help... and i couldnt hear what he was saying, there were drums playin in my head...
20 minutes later, i " created " an amergency phone call, i cancelled our orders and we left.
As we were heading out, he told me to call him as soon as i was done so we could meet later that night and talk some more. To this day, i still dont know what my reaction was, but i left and didnt look back.

WHY ?

2005-09-04T19:45:00.000-04:00

Havent' posted for so long i think i should come back with a " Why " game...
So...
Why haven't i posted for so long ?
Why do i always think of postin, find great ideas, then start doin other things and forget ?
Why do i take ABSOLUTELY no pictures ?
why did it rain all day today ?
Why do so few people post comments on my blogs but so many people send me emails ? those emails r VERY interesting tho, am i the kinda person people like to whisper private things to ?
Why does it alway take me about a week to realize a catrastophe has REALLY happened ( London, floods in Austria, hurricane Katrina, 9/11, etc... ) ? Do i live in a bubble ? ain't that good in some way ?
Why do people lie, cheat, break hearts, hurt ?
Why do people do so much to " win ur love " and the second they get it, they think they own u and get bored ?
Why do some of us think life is all about them ?
Why do people let Barbara Bush talk and not Kanye West ?
Why do designer accessories cost so much ( like 500 $ for a Louis Vuitton wallet in which u'll never be able to put more than 40 $.. lol ) ?
Why havent i posted yet bout that thing i'm supposed to grow from ?
Why am i sad ?
Why am i happy at the same time ?
Why do i write full posts, save them as drafts and never publish them ?

Why did my ex give me a diamond ring 2 years ago, knowin that we might not see each other in decades ? Is that a sign... are we gonna end up togther ? what if i already have somebody ?
Why do i feel like he means nothin to me now when back in the day, i COULD NOT sleep without his voice or his body next to mine ?
Why do i feel like i'm slowly backin up and silently startin to let DL bros do what they gotta do while i go back to bein with females ?

Why do i have more questions that i can't answer, but still i feel ok ???

We be burning !!

2005-08-29T01:01:00.000-04:00

I know everybody must be sleeping or busy with somethin serious right now but well i had a good weekend and i'm in a good mood. It hasn't happened in a while so i just want everybody to know it... yes !!
I know i'm supposed to explain why i started the " i'll grow from this " post but trust me, it's just a matter of days, that post will come. If only everybody on this site understood french it would be way easier...

But anyway ! I was checkin Mr Nathan's blog when i saw an old post about House Music, well it's not THAT old, just a few months... the question was " is house/dance music dead ? "and i'm wonderin if the post was really about the house/dance music i know !! I'm talking about :
Daft Punk ( " One more time ", " Aerodynamic ", " Face to face " )
E-Type ( " Life " ) / Groove Coverage ( " Poison " )
The Bucketheads ( their hit " The Bomb ! " really was da bomb )
Armand Van Helden ( " My my my ", " Flowerz " )
Mylo ( " Drop the pressure " ) / Modjo ( " Lady " )
etc...

Is it even POSSIBLE to go clubbin without listenin to that kinda music ? I mean clubbin is about having real, ridiculous, simple fun... it's not all about dressing up to stay in a corner and lip-sync all those songs everybody seems to know from a to z because MTV and BET always play the same dumb stuff !!!
Now don't get me wrong, i'm not sayin that it's the only kinda music i want to hear in a club or it's the best music but it's just NECESSARY... too much of anythin is always annoying and yes ! house/dance tracks can be kinda long and the beat seems to last forever but... thats why there's a DJ !!
That's why u leave your house in the middle of the night and pay a cover charge to get in : So u can have a good time in a place where professionals know how to create an ambiance !!
The DJ is supposed to be workin, he's supposed to cut, mix, remix, loop, stop the music, put it back on,... next time u come out of a club and remember every song that was played and the order too ( which is pretty easy since all clubs tend to be kinda lame these days ), remember soldier told you this : You've been fooled !!! If it was that simple, i'd be makin people pay to party at my house and i would just let them dance to one of my windows media player playlists !!!

Do some people really think an excellent night at the club = standin in the corner singing " shorty's so seductive dancing on me, the way that she moves is making me horny " ??? ( if u're singin that song and there's just men in the room, then there IS a problem !! )

After a good night out, u're supposed to be exhausted ( or at least tired ! ), happy, tipsy, horny, u're not supposed to remember everything u heard... ain't it great to hear a song in a club and be like " whats is this ? i gotta have this !!! " u're supposed to be smiling and be like " dayum, that was something ! ", u're supposed to come back the next time not knowingwhat it's gonna be like.

Last time i went to one of those " popular " clubs down here, mashonda's " Blackout " had just started and i heard a budy's girlfriend say " oh, i gotta go to the ladies' room now coz i don't wanna miss we be burning, that song is crazy !! " and she left running.
About a minute later she was back, and Sean Paul's " We be burning started "... i was really shocked ! She looked at me, smiling : " that's my faaaaavorite club ". I just smiled back.
A few minutes later, i got a call : " wanna get some sushi ? ". I was at the sushi bar before the person who invited me. At least they were playing the radio, so every time a song came on, it was a suprise...

I'll grow from this...

2005-08-25T14:04:00.000-04:00

This post is under construction

I have to finish tellin my people that i'm back, and this time i'm here to stay...

Just a lil hint tho : the toughest battles are those with yourself...

Thank u...

2005-08-25T01:04:00.000-04:00

ok i'm not gonna start a list of all the blogs i read, and all the people who inspired me to do this but uh... i'd like to thank those who posted comments and those who sent me emails... I'm so sorry i didnt answer before but :
- First, i was away for a long time, so long that my email account went out of service
- Second i really didnt expect anybody to send me emails lol

I'm doin the necessary right now to make sure my interaction with everybody in this community starts the right way...

So...
Thx Mr Divo for bein the first one who posted a ( really interesting, deep, smart, meaningful ) comment
Thx to the " not-really-gone-but-really-reincarnating-thk-god " smiling on the DL for encouraging me,
Thk u LJ for understanding the very long n' personal " Not all of us can come out ", well ur blog is very personal too, so i'll really need u, we need to talk about [ very personal ] stuff,lol,
Thk u ShawnQT (well i shouldnt really thank u, coz im still waitin for a pic of that big butt we're not supposed to trust... only thing we saw was the [very cute] smile, wink )
Oh, Miss Holiday, my heart is yours, u're the only female blogger who got me interested, and even tho i haven't read too many blogs, i know that ain't gonna change soon... so i send u a kiss, and u can use it wherever u want, but just once tho, and then give it back to me pliz, oh ! and since u're by the bar bring me a Martini nd pour urself a glass too, we gotta sit down and talk about goin to Lake Como together.
Mr Fratman1906 i'm sorry it took me so long, but my email is workin now and yea it would have been cool to meet while u were in TO, but don't worry there will be other occasions ( wink ), thx for checkin my blog out
The Guru, thx for checkin my blog out, i'm still... kinda curious.... i'm gonna have to read ur blog very first tonite lol

And thx to all y'all who emailed me and all y'all who read this blog even tho there was nothin it be4 lol, when i saw the counter i was like DAMN ! well now i gotta get me a new public counter coz im kinda tired of usin the one i have right now.... can't remember all those passwords !!
Also thx to those of u who helped me with ur great blog articles, even tho u might not know i read ur blogs... well u DIDN'T know, now i decided to comment everywhere, everytime i feel like it, i have a blog now so i know what it is... u can have 156.438 people checkin ur blog out everyday but Hey ! if nobody leaves comments, it's really as if people came and went and never expressed the need to interact with u, and that could be frustrating...

So im gonna post comments and let u know i was there, feel free to do the same on here, people !! Whether the post is old or new, i really wanna know ur opinions, plus i can always bring a subjet back if the readers seem to want to discuss it a lil' more...

Once again, thx !

A Quick review...

2005-08-24T23:45:00.000-04:00

Ok, this is what i actually wanted to start with when i got back on this site, but well my new campaign is called : " be spontaneous ! " I blog whenever i feel like it.. there's no order, no preparation, this is MY blog, its not a magazine and i don't keep so it can look cute, it's a real, personal, honest project !
So, yeah, i feel like i should tell u what happened durin the past few weeks, i can't just come back and start bloggin like nothin happened !!

June 27 - July 13: 2 weeks holidays, went back to Italy to see my people and get some Pure Love. I posted something about it but i think i'm gonna develop later...

July 13 - 19 : Spendin some time with my friends, it was THAT time of the year, everybody was hittin the road for the summer... So it was party/bbq/dinner/cocktail makin/ beach/skinny dippin/tears week

July 20-Aug 4 : Business/Interviews... week, i was finally ready to accept an internship... Yes i said accept ( smile ), thx Mr GPA !!!! Somewhere between 3.7 and 3.9, i reached the goal i had set, congratulations soldier. So, yeah a few companies offered me internships last year and this summer i had to finally make a choice, and i'm actually happy about the one i made. I'm gonna work n' study, so wish me luck. Aug 8-12 : For a full week, i tested my new working environment, and well, i had nothing to complain about, i felt like they were being extra-nice to make sure i'd pick them but i let them know on the second day that i didnt need all that since i had already made my choice, and seriously, when they " stopped " being extra-nice, i realized they were VERY nice anyway so i was on a cloud.

Aug 12-21 : My bestfriend convinced me to go on his " East Coast road trip ", so we took a plane to Nyc and from there we drove to Boston, DC, Philadelphia, Baltimore, then to Atlanta ( dayum that was long... but we stopped in small cities to visit some old friends ), then Miami and from there, we just took a plane back to Montreal, where he lives, and that's where i still am...

So yeah, i was a lil' busy, that's y i never had the time to do somethin with this blog thing but honestly it's kinda cool to realize myself i was really 100% enjoyin my holidays... :)

Monaco,'s best kept secret

2005-08-23T12:41:00.000-04:00

Lust
U
Stupid
Thing...

I was sittin on my subway chair today when at a stop downtown boarded a young white man, now i don't have a problem with race but most white dudes r just usually... boring ( to me, lol )
For some reason, this one was kinda special, let's call him mystery he had a nice tan, dark eyes, dark hair, incredible lips, extremely clean black shirt n' jeans, i was... interested but i just decided to go back to readin the newspaper, i'm a professional now come on, gotta stay in control at all times :
" Air canada's new luggage weight limit " : Damn it goes down from 70 to 50 lbs per bag, so i'll have to keep my condoms out of my suitcases, lol
" Nature at its worst : Austria and Switzerland are flooded " : does that mean i'm not skiing there this winter ? what am i... damn... so selfish... " poor people " !!!
" Get a Dell computer before aug. 28 for 799 $ " : hmmm... after taxes, warranties, costly options, shipping, hidden fees, itt's probably gonna get closer to 1799 $,...i thought twice before buyin a sandwich yesterday so i might not be ready for a computer upgrade or maybe if i... BANG ! For some reason, the train suddenly stops for 3 sec... BOOM ! instant boner, temperature goin higher higher, heart pumping, i almost felt dizzy... Remember Mystery, the white dude ? well when the train stopped he almost fell ON me and i got a 5x zoom at his BUTT and damn.... the boy had SOMETHING, oh he actually A LOT OF that thing, lol
ok, i gotta confess, that's the one thing i'm crazy about and i never had control over : my addiction to masculine butts. Those curves have such a powerful effect on me, i just can't do nothin about it, i'm just addicted !
Another stop, oh here comes my coworker big-mouth a girl who seems to know everyhing about everybody, she talks a lot and really never asks u to say a thing, she must be in love with her own voice... So im sittin with on my right, that girl who notices everything, and on my left, that boy with the juicy " thing "... and i'm wonderin how i'm gonna manage to have a look at it without anybody noticing, keep my boner down, and pay attention to her at the same time. I close my eyes because the pressure is just too much and i'm really startin to sweat when i hear " Peel station ", my stop. Man, i never felt so happy to be there. I quickly jumped outta my chair and while exiting the train, managed to get a last look at mystery... Thk god for my new contact lenses : i had the time to see the name of his workplace on his shirt : CLUB MONACO.

Ok, i'm goin shoppin, who's coming with me ?

Well, well...

2005-08-22T04:25:00.000-04:00

ok... i know there's already a post called back for good so im not gonna use that expression again, im not even gonna say that i'm back or promise that i'm gonna stay around, or say " this time is gonna be different " LOL, coz i still dunno.. All i know is that i realized the importance of expressing all those feelings i always keep to myself, and also realized i need to be connected to other gay black males, or i'm just gonna go crazy one day, take my clothes off in the middle of the street and start askin people for affection !!! lol.. oh now that i think of it, it might be cool, let's all do that one day !!
Seriously though, like i said in my previous post i still dunno what to do with this blog but well... maybe if i start it NOW instead of talkin a lot, it'll help a lil'...

The Bloggin Experience/ Self-Therapy

2005-07-17T22:03:00.000-04:00

Well I seriously had to re-think the way I wanted my blog to be like, I’m a special individual u see and I want people to realize the “fucked-up” ( Xcuse my French ) ways regular stuff happens to me but then I won’t make 125 lines long posts, no way ! So right now I’m learnin how to summarize things without crushin the lil’ details that makes my life what it is… let’s hope I’ll make it !
I've never been the type who keep a diary or take resolutions, i usually live, let the foolish stuff slide and get out of my life then deal with the important stuff the best i can, but then i thought i'd give this a try because writing is known to be a really good self-therapy :
in order to solve a problem, u have to be honest,realistic, unbiased, and human. When you know some of your readers are probably gonna be people who were a part of the things u're writing about, u tend to be more of those 4 ( honest, realistic, unbiased, & human ). Writing personal things down also helps develop a better and clearer self-expression. A mind can be so chaotic when it's filled with anger, anxiety, fear, memories of pain, sadness, etc... that writing can be a life-saver !

Thx blogger.com for the new image feature, really, that " Hello " software was really givin me a hard time, it was easy now that i think of it but i never wanted to use it for some reason...
Like i said before, i'm not the kinda man who keeps a diary and i don't want my blog to be like a magazine either, so i'll just let it be whatever it can be ! Actually i'm just beginning to get used to the blog's name, to the blogger username and password, the whole experience is pretty interesting. The quality of my blog should improve with time ( i hope ), i'm gettin a lot of ideas, just don't have the time it takes to organize them into posts...

Any kinda advice would be welcome, thx everybody

*°*

BACK... FOR GOOD / PURE LOVE

2005-07-15T12:51:00.000-04:00

Hello everybody, Guess who's back?

I haven't been on here in a while, I know…

Last post was before I went to Milan (Italy) for a family reunion, it was a 2 weeks break I really deserved, See, my last year in college was a very long and difficult one so when I finished, I just felt like going to a place where I knew I would find pure and deep affection, love, calm, serenity, a place where I'd totally let go of all my stress, and for me there's only one place in the world for that, my grandmother's place in the city of Como, just about 30 minutes from Milan.

2 things now :
1 - I don't want people to be confused because I said I was a black man in the beginning : I'm mixed, both my parents are european/african so i'm somethin like that too, lol, I have an Italian grandmother married who was married to my African grandfather ( who's now gone ) and on the other side, African grandmother and French grandfather... I had such an amazing childhood with so many places to choose from when the summer arrived, ooh those were the good old' simple days!! (Sighs)
2 - Lake Como! I just have to talk about it!! That place is one of the closest to what heaven must look like in my opinion, the lake, the extraordinary towns around it, the restaurants, the people, the delicious thick and crusty pizza after an afternoon spent in the water, the pasta, the tender meat served seconds after it’s been taken off the grill, the excellent wine, the good atmosphere,… If anyone goes to Italy, please take me as your guide, I wanna go back home, again and again and again!!

BUT… Now that I think of it, was it really a break? I have a big family; I always had people around, I slept late but had to wake up very early every day... kids running around, people cooking, people talking, people drinking, eating and even people singing! Others were playing soccer, basketball, swimming, those who just screamed for any and every reason and the worst kind: those who would open my door, and actually wake me up with something like “hey are u sleeping?” damn! That house, was it paradise after all???

Well that chaotic house is MY chaotic house, so as messy as it gets, it’s my #1 spot in the world, it's like a celebrity spa, everybody treats u right and then it's all FREE… There’s nothing like a house filled with people who just love one another, because they all love u too, ain’t it great to have more than one lover but no drama ? (smile)

Not all of us can come out !

2005-06-23T16:09:00.000-04:00

I was chattin with Mr Muscles a happy out ( of the closet ) man the other day about coming out and life as a gay man... actually he was talking, i was listening. I know who he is but he has no idea who i am, ain't that crazy ? thank you internet.
Mr Muscles is my personal trainer, and he's openly gay, but frankly it's hard to believe... ( especially for women, they just don't understand why he's gay ), he never tries to hit on guys or flirt with them
He has a profile on www.adam4adam.com, ( that site is such a mess !) that's where i found out about him. So i startedchattin with him online, without tellin him who i am because i wanted to have real conversations without him holding back because he knows my family etc... and realized he's comitted and really ain't interested in anybody else but his boyfriend ( good for him ).
So he was telling me all those things about bein your true self, taking responsibilities, living your life without caring about others and etc... Now usually when i hear that kind of stuff, i reply and try to make the person understand my situation but this time, i felt so lost and confused that in the middle of the night, ... i started this blog !!!

When i finally managed to bring myself together, i decided to observe the world i live in and see if it's possible for me to attempt anything.
Why is it that when u pay attention to things, nothing clear happens ? that's how it went until last monday, june 20th.
In the morning, i attented my father's company's board meeting, then i had lunch with him and some european investors, i spent the afternoon with my mother, at her hotel, trying to help her decide what kind of strategy her company should use to attract investors, to help finance a new project.
When i got home that night, Lady-V was sitting in front of my door : i almost got a heart attack ! Lady-V was my high school sweetheart and i hadn't seen her in about 5 years.
She came in, we cooked dinner together ( the italian equivalent of soul food ), we talked, and we ended up on the couch, laughing, drinking, and bringing back old memories, i was so happy i felt like i was in heaven but then she held my hand and told me she was accepted at York University and she was moving to Toronto... that day my mind flew to a place higher than heaven and when it came back it was the clearest it had ever been.

See, instead of being a regular 100 % gay or 100 % straight man, i'm something people like to call bisexual but i don't think it's the best choice of term to describle people like me.
I like and respect women ( but exclusively the ones who have an education and goals in life ) but i'm not attracted to pussy then i like men but most gay men come with a 3-stories high baggage of issues, drama, and since they're usually superficial and/or unstable, i just get with them for sex... like i usually say, all of us are not in the lifestyle for the same reasons, i wasn't molested when i was child, my father's not-bein-around-all-the-time didn't traumatize me, i'm the one who started asking my big cousins if i could take showers with them and i'm the one who started havin jack-off parties in high school, that's just the freak in me ( those days are gone tho... lol, i dont have these parties anymore ) and i take all the responsibilty for my attraction to men.

Spending that time with my parents at work confirmed that the environment i'm gonna be workin in is very conservative and i don't need people to know who i'm sleeping with to do a good job, actually they should know absolutely nothing because it's business and i need people to judge my work only and be as " unbiased " as possible.
And then that time with the incredible Lady-V confirmed that i'm not about to dedicate my heart and soul to a lifestyle in which most people play games, have one-minute relationships and think your body defines who you are.
If things go on the way i see them, i'm actually gonna get married ( to Lady-V of course, or her clone.. lol ) and let my attraction for men die, because maybe i have a problem but so few gay men have managed to stimulate my intellect AND my body at the same time that i'm gettin bored with them. If i'm gonna be with men just because i'm addicted to ass, it's sad because women have asses, nice ones too...

WOW, i didn't expect my fingers to hit the keyboard so fast !!

So i talked to Mr Muscles earlier this week and let him know i seriously thought about all those things he told me, that i was happy he had found his soulmate, and i was also happy he had found a job that allowed him to be anything he wanted, i also told him he was lucky not to have a big family who pays for his tuition like mine so he could even be trisexual and not have to explain it to relatives, i told him he was lucky to work as a personal trainer, be his own boss and not deal with hierarchy like i'm gonna have to, then i asked him if he thought that revealing my attraction to men ( which is like 10% of my life ) was smart, considerin' it was gonna mess up all the other 90% ? and he didn't know what to say... i wasn't surprised !

Illusions.. Part III (the end)

2005-06-22T23:08:00.000-04:00

So who does he think he is and what game is he playin ???? Recently he's been ignoring me everytime i see him, he acts like he doesn't know me, and he doesn't return my calls but yesterday he, he, he... told me to stay away from him because he was starting to freak out and i was probably crazy , when i just came up to him and told him a joke !!!!!!!!

So i get on the stairs, pull him down by his shirt, he almost trips, he's not very mad but he's quite annoyed and he doesn't understand, i tell him " oh you wanna play that game till the end, huh ? " and i ask him why he 's been acting weird, why this, why that ? etc... see i'm not the type of man who starts drama, so i'm not yellin, i'm just talkin but with a very angry but low voice and i tell him my opinion about him... as he listens, his face changes then he just bursts out laughing !
he makes a phone call, looks at me, tells me i'm stupid... dayum he's calling back up.
His face is now very serious, he pushes me in the elevator and tells me " you're gonna be so sorry after this ", oh he wants to fight ? i start laughin so hard tears are coming out because frankly i know i'm gonna beat him up till his momma can''t recognize his sorry ass face !!

Everybody's staring at us now, he makes another phone call, and asks somebody to come quickly and meet him out front... he tells me he'll be right back... everything's going faster now, i call a few buddies for my own back up and i wonder how he could ever think he can fight with me... everybody's looking, he gets back in, somebody's followin him, he looks around astonished, notices the public, my back up, he looks a lil' suprised, i'm sure he's scared, i turn around and tell my friends " yo bruthaz, this one is gonna be so funny... don't worry it wont take long, we'll even have time to go take a nap before our next class !!! " We all laugh our asses off !!
I hear him approaching, he says " hey, you stupid fool ! i'd like you to meet somebody "
i turn around like " who u callin a... " i can't finish the sentence...
Sexy is standin in front of me..... TWICE !!!! ...... with different clothes !!!!
--------

Yes, people, that day i discovered that Sexy...... has a twin brother !!!!!!!!!!!
No wonder i was seeing him everywhere i was goin, and i thought he was changing 3 times a day when in fact it was him, then his bro...
2 weeks before that event, i had started to imagine scenarios, take resolutions, because i felt betrayed but it was so ridiculous and i was soooo shocked when i thought of it later and realized i was even about to..... fight with him !!!!
It was their birthday today, and when i saw them together lookin exactly the same, smiling... i thought : " maaaaaan ! life is crazy... "

It's just illusions, when something's going wrong or weird, there's nothin better than confrontation to avoid such a stupid situation !

Illusions.. part II

2005-06-21T23:07:00.000-04:00

I met Sexy in my freshman year. I'm the kinda person who always seems focused but in fact i'm always dreaming... I'm dreamin, eyes wide open, thinking of aruba or something and i just don't notice people, sometimes i notice some booty here and there but i rarely pay attention to the owner, lol...
So when one day in an incredibly full bus, i heard somebody callin my name and saw he was offerin me a seat i was more than shocked : he started talkin to me a lil' and he was speaking like he had known me for months, knew all my habits, all the classes i was taking and the people i was chilling with... i had never seen him in my life, i didn't get it !!
There were people everywhere so we had to sit very close, it was such a weird moment : it was my first time looking at him and i had such a close-up but the minute i started lookin at him i felt like i wanted people to push us closer to each other.

The boy had incredibly sexy full lips, and amazing eyes, a nice skin complexion and he was wet, his white shirt had become see-through, and i could see his abs, pecs and nipples !!! He had a nice, deep voice and his smile looked so sincere,... its only when he said " oh i'm so sorry, u must think i'm crazy, u're right, i'm annoying you, sorry " that i realized i had been starin at him for the past 5 mins with... but usually when i stare at somethin, i raise an eyebrow and people tell me i look annoyed, angry, surprised or condescendent... ???? go figure ! i said " no, no, it's not you i'm just in a bad mood, those people are gettin on my nerves, it's too hot in here, can you open the window ? "... he got off the bus before me and when he stood up, i almost had an orgasm, he had THE booty to match with his nice looks and attitude !!!

From that day, i started looking around and noticed he was in all my classes, and we took the same bus ride home everyday, i also started seeing him everywhere i was goin and i noticed he was a real fashion victim, one day he changed clothes 3 times, he also seemed to be at every party, every ball game, at the movies, at the gym, just everywhere !!
So we started talkin' and we were really cool, i just thought he was extraordinary, original, smart, sexy and VERY intriguing...
end of the flashback -

Illusions... part I

2005-06-20T16:25:00.000-04:00

This time i'm gonna have to talk to that rude and conceited bastard ! Oh wait... ain't that him, walking up the stairs ? i'm gonna let him know what i think this time and if it turns ugly, its gonna be his f**king loss !!

( off voice ) - You know you're gonna be original when you start something the regular way and then a force much powerful than you are moves you in a direction you hadn't imagined... I first wanted to post a classical self-biography but yo ! who cares about my bio, lol, maybe some other day !
So you might be wondering what made me write those angry lines above ? let's go back in time :

This is it...

2005-06-17T04:22:00.000-04:00

I have to find a strategy that'll help me live a normal life again...
I'm locked in a closet and those who have the key aren't aware of it yet...
The problem with that closet is that for them it's the closet of shame, where they put all the things they don't wanna see, admit, or realize, all those things they prefer hidding forever instead of facing them and dealing with them
If i tell them, i don't know if they'll open it up and let me be free because not only is it the " closet of shame " but i'm " naked " in that closet : i have no artificial cover, i'm just my true self, totally... and coming out of it means coming out of it just as i am : " naked ", are those of who love me now gonna be proud of what they see if they open the closet ? are they gonna be able to be strong enough to get used to being seen in public with a " naked " man whose "nudity" is completely strange to them ? is the fact that i'm probably gonna be happy to be myself gonna be enough for them to be happy for me too ? Aren't they gonna be scared of me ? Are they going to understand that i'm not a monster, that i'm still a creature of god, that it's not exactly a choice i made ?
So many questions and absolutely, no answers, because only experience can give answers to such questions, but it's way too risky to try something when you're already 98% sure that it's gonna have a tragical ending....
Nobody ever comes down here in the dark, wet and cold basement, near the foundations of the house where this closet is, and when they ever do, they're always prepared for the worst. They have guns, knives, poison, and a phone to call 911 just in case.
So now i'm enjoying the few joys of being the only one knowing i'm locked in, and i'm pinching myself, covering my mouth, trying not to move, trying to make no noise, ... because they're here, they heard a noise in the closet but they're just not sure, next move i make.... i'm dead !

P.S : for those who hadn't understood, i'm a black male attracted to people of the same gender, wondering if i'll ever come out...