Not all of us can come out !

I was chattin with Mr Muscles a happy out ( of the closet ) man the other day about coming out and life as a gay man... actually he was talking, i was listening. I know who he is but he has no idea who i am, ain't that crazy ? thank you internet.
Mr Muscles is my personal trainer, and he's openly gay, but frankly it's hard to believe... ( especially for women, they just don't understand why he's gay ), he never tries to hit on guys or flirt with them
He has a profile on www.adam4adam.com, ( that site is such a mess !) that's where i found out about him. So i startedchattin with him online, without tellin him who i am because i wanted to have real conversations without him holding back because he knows my family etc... and realized he's comitted and really ain't interested in anybody else but his boyfriend ( good for him ).
So he was telling me all those things about bein your true self, taking responsibilities, living your life without caring about others and etc... Now usually when i hear that kind of stuff, i reply and try to make the person understand my situation but this time, i felt so lost and confused that in the middle of the night, ... i started this blog !!!

When i finally managed to bring myself together, i decided to observe the world i live in and see if it's possible for me to attempt anything.
Why is it that when u pay attention to things, nothing clear happens ? that's how it went until last monday, june 20th.
In the morning, i attented my father's company's board meeting, then i had lunch with him and some european investors, i spent the afternoon with my mother, at her hotel, trying to help her decide what kind of strategy her company should use to attract investors, to help finance a new project.
When i got home that night, Lady-V was sitting in front of my door : i almost got a heart attack ! Lady-V was my high school sweetheart and i hadn't seen her in about 5 years.
She came in, we cooked dinner together ( the italian equivalent of soul food ), we talked, and we ended up on the couch, laughing, drinking, and bringing back old memories, i was so happy i felt like i was in heaven but then she held my hand and told me she was accepted at York University and she was moving to Toronto... that day my mind flew to a place higher than heaven and when it came back it was the clearest it had ever been.

See, instead of being a regular 100 % gay or 100 % straight man, i'm something people like to call bisexual but i don't think it's the best choice of term to describle people like me.
I like and respect women ( but exclusively the ones who have an education and goals in life ) but i'm not attracted to pussy then i like men but most gay men come with a 3-stories high baggage of issues, drama, and since they're usually superficial and/or unstable, i just get with them for sex... like i usually say, all of us are not in the lifestyle for the same reasons, i wasn't molested when i was child, my father's not-bein-around-all-the-time didn't traumatize me, i'm the one who started asking my big cousins if i could take showers with them and i'm the one who started havin jack-off parties in high school, that's just the freak in me ( those days are gone tho... lol, i dont have these parties anymore ) and i take all the responsibilty for my attraction to men.

Spending that time with my parents at work confirmed that the environment i'm gonna be workin in is very conservative and i don't need people to know who i'm sleeping with to do a good job, actually they should know absolutely nothing because it's business and i need people to judge my work only and be as " unbiased " as possible.
And then that time with the incredible Lady-V confirmed that i'm not about to dedicate my heart and soul to a lifestyle in which most people play games, have one-minute relationships and think your body defines who you are.
If things go on the way i see them, i'm actually gonna get married ( to Lady-V of course, or her clone.. lol ) and let my attraction for men die, because maybe i have a problem but so few gay men have managed to stimulate my intellect AND my body at the same time that i'm gettin bored with them. If i'm gonna be with men just because i'm addicted to ass, it's sad because women have asses, nice ones too...

WOW, i didn't expect my fingers to hit the keyboard so fast !!

So i talked to Mr Muscles earlier this week and let him know i seriously thought about all those things he told me, that i was happy he had found his soulmate, and i was also happy he had found a job that allowed him to be anything he wanted, i also told him he was lucky not to have a big family who pays for his tuition like mine so he could even be trisexual and not have to explain it to relatives, i told him he was lucky to work as a personal trainer, be his own boss and not deal with hierarchy like i'm gonna have to, then i asked him if he thought that revealing my attraction to men ( which is like 10% of my life ) was smart, considerin' it was gonna mess up all the other 90% ? and he didn't know what to say... i wasn't surprised !

Illusions.. Part III (the end)

So who does he think he is and what game is he playin ???? Recently he's been ignoring me everytime i see him, he acts like he doesn't know me, and he doesn't return my calls but yesterday he, he, he... told me to stay away from him because he was starting to freak out and i was probably crazy , when i just came up to him and told him a joke !!!!!!!!

So i get on the stairs, pull him down by his shirt, he almost trips, he's not very mad but he's quite annoyed and he doesn't understand, i tell him " oh you wanna play that game till the end, huh ? " and i ask him why he 's been acting weird, why this, why that ? etc... see i'm not the type of man who starts drama, so i'm not yellin, i'm just talkin but with a very angry but low voice and i tell him my opinion about him... as he listens, his face changes then he just bursts out laughing !
he makes a phone call, looks at me, tells me i'm stupid... dayum he's calling back up.
His face is now very serious, he pushes me in the elevator and tells me " you're gonna be so sorry after this ", oh he wants to fight ? i start laughin so hard tears are coming out because frankly i know i'm gonna beat him up till his momma can''t recognize his sorry ass face !!

Everybody's staring at us now, he makes another phone call, and asks somebody to come quickly and meet him out front... he tells me he'll be right back... everything's going faster now, i call a few buddies for my own back up and i wonder how he could ever think he can fight with me... everybody's looking, he gets back in, somebody's followin him, he looks around astonished, notices the public, my back up, he looks a lil' suprised, i'm sure he's scared, i turn around and tell my friends " yo bruthaz, this one is gonna be so funny... don't worry it wont take long, we'll even have time to go take a nap before our next class !!! " We all laugh our asses off !!
I hear him approaching, he says " hey, you stupid fool ! i'd like you to meet somebody "
i turn around like " who u callin a... " i can't finish the sentence...
Sexy is standin in front of me..... TWICE !!!! ...... with different clothes !!!!
--------

Yes, people, that day i discovered that Sexy...... has a twin brother !!!!!!!!!!!
No wonder i was seeing him everywhere i was goin, and i thought he was changing 3 times a day when in fact it was him, then his bro...
2 weeks before that event, i had started to imagine scenarios, take resolutions, because i felt betrayed but it was so ridiculous and i was soooo shocked when i thought of it later and realized i was even about to..... fight with him !!!!
It was their birthday today, and when i saw them together lookin exactly the same, smiling... i thought : " maaaaaan ! life is crazy... "

It's just illusions, when something's going wrong or weird, there's nothin better than confrontation to avoid such a stupid situation !

Illusions.. part II

I met Sexy in my freshman year. I'm the kinda person who always seems focused but in fact i'm always dreaming... I'm dreamin, eyes wide open, thinking of aruba or something and i just don't notice people, sometimes i notice some booty here and there but i rarely pay attention to the owner, lol...
So when one day in an incredibly full bus, i heard somebody callin my name and saw he was offerin me a seat i was more than shocked : he started talkin to me a lil' and he was speaking like he had known me for months, knew all my habits, all the classes i was taking and the people i was chilling with... i had never seen him in my life, i didn't get it !!
There were people everywhere so we had to sit very close, it was such a weird moment : it was my first time looking at him and i had such a close-up but the minute i started lookin at him i felt like i wanted people to push us closer to each other.

The boy had incredibly sexy full lips, and amazing eyes, a nice skin complexion and he was wet, his white shirt had become see-through, and i could see his abs, pecs and nipples !!! He had a nice, deep voice and his smile looked so sincere,... its only when he said " oh i'm so sorry, u must think i'm crazy, u're right, i'm annoying you, sorry " that i realized i had been starin at him for the past 5 mins with... but usually when i stare at somethin, i raise an eyebrow and people tell me i look annoyed, angry, surprised or condescendent... ???? go figure ! i said " no, no, it's not you i'm just in a bad mood, those people are gettin on my nerves, it's too hot in here, can you open the window ? "... he got off the bus before me and when he stood up, i almost had an orgasm, he had THE booty to match with his nice looks and attitude !!!

From that day, i started looking around and noticed he was in all my classes, and we took the same bus ride home everyday, i also started seeing him everywhere i was goin and i noticed he was a real fashion victim, one day he changed clothes 3 times, he also seemed to be at every party, every ball game, at the movies, at the gym, just everywhere !!
So we started talkin' and we were really cool, i just thought he was extraordinary, original, smart, sexy and VERY intriguing...
end of the flashback -

Illusions... part I

This time i'm gonna have to talk to that rude and conceited bastard ! Oh wait... ain't that him, walking up the stairs ? i'm gonna let him know what i think this time and if it turns ugly, its gonna be his f**king loss !!

( off voice ) - You know you're gonna be original when you start something the regular way and then a force much powerful than you are moves you in a direction you hadn't imagined... I first wanted to post a classical self-biography but yo ! who cares about my bio, lol, maybe some other day !
So you might be wondering what made me write those angry lines above ? let's go back in time :

This is it...

I have to find a strategy that'll help me live a normal life again...
I'm locked in a closet and those who have the key aren't aware of it yet...
The problem with that closet is that for them it's the closet of shame, where they put all the things they don't wanna see, admit, or realize, all those things they prefer hidding forever instead of facing them and dealing with them
If i tell them, i don't know if they'll open it up and let me be free because not only is it the " closet of shame " but i'm " naked " in that closet : i have no artificial cover, i'm just my true self, totally... and coming out of it means coming out of it just as i am : " naked ", are those of who love me now gonna be proud of what they see if they open the closet ? are they gonna be able to be strong enough to get used to being seen in public with a " naked " man whose "nudity" is completely strange to them ? is the fact that i'm probably gonna be happy to be myself gonna be enough for them to be happy for me too ? Aren't they gonna be scared of me ? Are they going to understand that i'm not a monster, that i'm still a creature of god, that it's not exactly a choice i made ?
So many questions and absolutely, no answers, because only experience can give answers to such questions, but it's way too risky to try something when you're already 98% sure that it's gonna have a tragical ending....
Nobody ever comes down here in the dark, wet and cold basement, near the foundations of the house where this closet is, and when they ever do, they're always prepared for the worst. They have guns, knives, poison, and a phone to call 911 just in case.
So now i'm enjoying the few joys of being the only one knowing i'm locked in, and i'm pinching myself, covering my mouth, trying not to move, trying to make no noise, ... because they're here, they heard a noise in the closet but they're just not sure, next move i make.... i'm dead !

P.S : for those who hadn't understood, i'm a black male attracted to people of the same gender, wondering if i'll ever come out...