BE MYSELF

That's the 10th thing, that was missing from the list i posted yesterday... I'm gonna be myself.
I've been hearing the same thing so many times lately ( " Soldier, don't just be a regular blogger be your damn self !!! " ) that i absolutely have to do something about it. First, to Enzo, Alexander & Domenico : you guys should seriously consider blogging because you give the best advice in the whole world, but since you refuse to do it, i'm just gonna steal your ideas and post them as mine LOL, until you finally start blogging !!!!!!!!

So this week ( it would be cool if it could last longer than a week too... ) I'm gonna be ME... I'm not just gonna sit there and post regular things about life, relationships or basic stuff,... Ok let's cut to the chase : tomorrow in the evening i'm gonna post the first entry of this sequence and it's gonna be entitled " It ends tonight "

Be prepared.

10 things i will do this week

1. Tell people what i really think when they're being weird, ridiculous or just stupid

2. Study and work

3. Cut my hair and shave

4. Make a final plan for my christmas holidays and make a gift list

5. Go to the dentist's

6. Call my mother

7. Give furniture to the Salvation Army ( last time i gave them clothes and made a mistake, i put something i really liked in the bag... so no clothes for a few months )

8. Do what i gotta do without being distracted

9. Put more french stuff on my blog

I stole it, sue me !

So i saw this on other blogs but i didn't think of using it for personal purposes until i saw it on " that person's blog ". I can steal anything i want from that blog, it's a decision i just took ! I'm even gonna use the same color, lol
( u know u got plenty of luv for me man, so be cool and let me steal stuff from you )

so here i go !

I am not: to be fucked with ( excuse my french )

I hurt: when " i know i'm gonna fail but even the fear of failing isn't enough energy to do something to avoid failure ". That's because i do things my way only,... i gotta do something about it

I love: my family and God who gave me that family

I hate: animals and people who have opinions on every single thing and feel like their opinions HAVE to be heard ! Your opinion is yours, keep it to yourself if it's not asked. Thank you very much

I hope: i'll live long enough to realize all my dreams

I regret: having tried to be somebody else for too long

I cry: when i'm desperate and when i think of all the people i know who live in war zones ( i love you guys and i think about you everyday )

I care: about the people who want want/me to care about them

I always: think before i act

I long to: find stability ( professional, emotional and financial )

I feel alone: when i'm happy, because the only people who i need to share my joy with are far away from me

I listen: to classical music when i think of big things, caribbean music when i'm nostalgic, hip hop and reggaeton when i dressing up to go out, french music when i'm true to myself...

I wonder: if my penis is still growing.. LOL ( Well i am still growing myself so i wanna know, lol )

I hide: my true feelings for the people i love because i neded them to remain the way they are, i don't wanna pressure them nor do i wanna make them feel like i can't live without them... lol

I drive: a bmw without a driving license, sue me !

I sing: NOT ! I do not sing

I dance: everytime and everywhere ( have u ever heard of a man who looks calm and serious but who's dancing " inside " ? That's me )

I write: on everything ( enveloppes, pieces of paper, newspaper, flyers, books, walls, fridges, floors, lol )

I breathe: through my nose when my mouth is busy... he he

I play: with myself and whoever decides to sleep in my bed

I miss: my house, my family and those precious moments with an ex lover

I search: for happiness for me and my people

I say: what i feel

I feel: happy when i get what i worked hard for

I succeed: when i'm focused

I fail: when i'm distracted, not focused, preoccupied

I dream: all the time and everywhere. I see things the way they are and i imagine them the way i would want them to be

I sleep: wayyyyy to late every single night because i only sleep when i'm totally exhausted

I want: to form my own family, and have my own beach house in a better and more organizsed West Africa, no dogs please i dont like animals

I worry: about not having enough time to do what i need to do everyday

I have: everything i need and most of the things i want and i thank God everyday for that

I give: anything i can antyime i can

I fight: with my boxing gloves ( nobody is worth messing up my nice fists... LOL )

I wait: patiently, for my love life to come back from its summer holidays because it's time for it to go back to work ( love u lazy fool, u wont get paid for all the time you took off )

I am: tired...

I think: with my head ( either one ) all the time, lol

I can't: eat more than twice a day

I stay: focused on my career plan 24/7

I tried: to be nicer to people but it didn't work

I'm mad: when people fall asleep on the telephone while i'm talking to them and refuse to admit it

Yep, that's me ! ( " Trop bon, trop con " )

" Talking to my friends, meeting them for dinner, that's me...
Travelling around the world to visit family and friends, bringing them gifts, yep that's me...
Laughing all the time, making others laugh, that is also me...
Partying every weekend, discovering new clubs, restaurants, lounges and cocktails, that's definitely me...

Being passionate, considerate, loving and caring, that's also me...
Making sacrifices for the people who are close to me, it's hard but it's me...
Doing my best so that i never hurt them, i try, i try, it's me too...

Smoking outside on the balcony by myself at the end of fall ( when it's cold ) while everybody is inside partying, it's sad but it's me...
Not getting help when i need it the most, it's so shocking, people always assume that since it's me i'll always find a solution, is that me ?
Giving and not receiving as much as i give ( financially and emotionally ), it's disappointing, but well... still me
Ending up alone in my bed, angry, sad, it hurts so bad.... "

YES, all of the above... that WAS me

A few weeks ago ( back in august ), I realized that i was doing wayyyyyy too much for people.
I mean i was calling them, visiting them, sending them e-mails, helping them when they were in trouble, i was trying to be THERE but i was the only one doing so... the only one travelling, calling, helping, etc... they called me " soldier " because i'm known as the strongest of all the people around me, so... they thought i was ok 24/7. After all soldiers don't complain, they're strong, they just do what they gotta do...
If feels just like a beatdown but it's my feelings that are being hurt, not my body... when i'm the one who gives but never gets back, who always calls, who can take an 8hrs flight for 3 days in Paris...i always thought " i'm not crazy ! those things HAVE to be done, if nobody else does it, then thats their lives but personnally im doing what i should do "

ok, i was CRAZY, i was COMPLETELY out of my mind.
I guess i was trying to compensate because i was studying HARD to maintain a 3.5+ GPA and my love life ( or lack of ) at times was... depressing.
But all those trips made me more and more exhausted, all those gifts made people think they didnt have to do anything to keep our relationship strong, all those calls were wasting my precious time... if i hadnt done all those things, i would have had more energy, more time to study, more money to take care of myself, and i wouldnt have never expected anybody to do anything for me... but i guess it was necessary for me to go through all that mess to REALLY understand certain things...

It struck me HARD, lightning couldnt have done better... i dont even recognize myself these days... I just go out when the mood, the people, the place, the time of the day, and the day of month, the weather, the finances,... when every single thing is perfect to me !
It just comes naturally, i like people if i like them... lol and that's just life, all the others ? they dont exist anymore ! i go out when i feel like going out, call when i feel like calling, social " obligations " dont exist anymore, sacrifices too ( i aint got kids yet and im already making sacrifices for people ? ),...

The result ? My finances are better, my classes seem easier, my schedule is crazy but as long as i do what i'm supposed to, everything works out pretty fine...

Lord, thank you for allowing all those people to hurt me and disappoint me, really, it was a very necessary experience, it teached me an excellent lesson that i'm happy i learned without having to make terrible mistakes.
Remember back in August ( when i realized all of the above ), i said " i'll grow from this " but i was so devasted i couldnt give any details, well i did, and i'm proud of myself.
Thank you for allowing me to meet better people now, if i had met them before i " grew ", we wouldnt have made it past the first minutes of a conversation, they would have never been " cool " enough for me, what a fool i was...

French expression of the day : " Trop bon trop con "
» If you're too good to people, you'll be taken for a fool "

AND JUST WHEN I THOUGHT...

... I didn't have the time or even patience to sit down and post something, the right occasion comes along.

So I've been pretty busy and i haven't even had time to make calls i was supposed to make on the 22nd of august... and the pace is not slowing down !
I've planned to do things, I've made lists, etc... but i just don't know why i just don't have TIME !!
Well i guess one day i'll find a way to make my organization better,...

But anyway, let's go straight to that subject i just HAD to write about. I had started this blog with fresh, great ideas, but unfortunately i met some of the worst people a discreet man can meet : the " openly gay men who want to open all the closets there are in this world and make all gay men come out " and i really started thinking i wasn't really made for a gay life until ( thank god ) i met some other gay/bisexual men who think like me.

Three bloggers i frequently read ( Valentino, No4Real, and Clay Cane ) wrote about an experience that happened to me before and i feel like i have to share my story, maybe it'll help me because i still feel can't think of it without wanting to break something.

So i met this guy on yahoo and we decided to go out and have dinner for our first real life meeting. I was working as an assistant manager in a small restaurant at that time so for " security " reasons ( You never know these days ), i decided to take him to dinner there. He was there first, and as i got out of the car i saw a really weird looking guy in front of the restaurant. He was very skinny, had locks and a huge coat ( it was the middle of fall but up here in canada, it can get cold ! ) but extremely tight jeans and big boots . Frankly, slim with clothes and shoes looking to big for him, and all that hair but skin tight jeans on skinny legs : he looked like a cartoon character ! I was like " no it can't be him ! " Of course, it was.

His voice was disturbing, his mannerisms were too much : coat on his shoulders like james brown, diva-like attitude when he spoke to waiters, the way he touched things with only the tip of his fingers,... i was feeling dizzy. On top of that, he was a " know-it-all ", one of those people who make culture sound boring, who want to have discussions about places he's never been ( I GREW UP in Paris , how u gonna talk to me about the most interesting things to see in Paris like u a tour guide talking to a japanese tourist ??? ). The conversation was horrible, example :
Him - Oh and there's an extraordinary place called Monaco in south france that i read about, u won't believe how great it is, the casinos, the hotels, ...
Me - I know, that's where my parents got married
Him, looking disturbed, with a face like he's thinking really fast - Marriage is overrated, i don't understand those straight people, its just stupid, all that bullshit
Me - ( raising my eyebrow ) My parents are straight, thank god... if they hadnt been i wouldn't be here, " the straights " ? is it a clan or something, u want to hate on straight people ? You think being gay is so much better ?

Ok after 20 minutes, i was ready to leave, the man was just... ( censored ) .... So just when i thought it couldn't be worse and i started thinking of leaving that fool in the middle of dinner just like that with no explanation, the waiter was just done serving us our dishes and he said ( i don't know how loud he said it but to me it sounded like a rocket hitting a skyscraper ) : " SO WHEN DID YOU REALIZE YOU WERE GAY ? "
My heart almost stopped but i was still alive and i quickly reacted " ARE YOU CRAZY ??? WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO ??? " The waiter stopped, turned around, i looked at him like " what u still doin' here ? ", he almost ran to go back to the kitchen. I realized he was really a fool when he said " of course im talkin to you ? ( he laughs ) Who else could i be talking to ? You're so funny ! " And all along he was tasting his calamari with the most ridiculous diva-attitude... Thank god there was nobody sitting right next to us. I was speecheless but guess what ? HE KEPT ON TALKING, telling me about his experience as a gay rights activist and his memories of Gay Pride in different cities.

I was in a nightmare, i was floating above the tables and i was feeling dizzy and nauseous but i felt like hitting him wouldn't help... and i couldnt hear what he was saying, there were drums playin in my head...
20 minutes later, i " created " an amergency phone call, i cancelled our orders and we left.
As we were heading out, he told me to call him as soon as i was done so we could meet later that night and talk some more. To this day, i still dont know what my reaction was, but i left and didnt look back.